Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Resolution

It's true, I don't make resolutions--at least not for New Year's. I often do resolve to make exercise a routine or cook more at home. Those two "resolutions" are always in play in my life. Generally, over the last year or so, I've done well at getting some daily exercise as part of my normal routine--whether it's walking to and from the metro or biking part of my commute. I am trying now to make yoga a bit more of a regular thing. It's really hit and miss on that one. I had a talk with the bf about this because he does a regular yoga practice. He doesn't exactly encourage me to do yoga or to adopt his practice and I can't figure out why not. Well, I take that back--he is encouraging in general for me to do some kind of yoga but almost discouraging when it comes to his kind (Astanga).

Speaking of him, I continue to be exasperated with him. In fact, I finally got him to show his frustration with me the other day. It was kind of weird to see him "angry." He was really tired of my snapping at him (he's not the only one!) and told me that I needed to be more confident. Me! Ha! One of the things that I fuss at him about that is really trivial is when he explains to me how to do something that is blindingly obvious. I feel "mansplained" and I tell him to stop. He was telling me that it's a nothing that I should just ignore and it doesn't mean what I think it does. I think that's probably right but I also don't know how to make it stop bothering me. And I also don't know how to stop caring that he doesn't actually pay attention to things that are happening right in front of his face. Or when he texts about the minutiae of his day but never, ever asks about my stuff. Or how much stuff I have to remind him about. He's really good at times about taking my needs and desires into consideration and other times, it's like he hasn't heard a word I've said. Pretty sure that's very normal and some of this is just getting used to being in a relationship.

At the same time, today and yesterday I started to feel very blah and down about the whole thing. Like I want a break. I want my life back. Yet he hasn't impeded my life at all. He is around about as much as I request...and if I have a plan, I can make it without him and he would be just fine with that. He's not jealous of me or my time. I think I am more jealous of his time because he gives (or wants to give? he still hasn't started fully back to his practice after the disruption of his move and possibly the introduction of me into his life) so much of it to his yoga practice. It's generally an early morning thing and that leaves him super tired all the time and he really doesn't seem to accept/believe/register that he's in a constant state of sleep deprivation. I dunno.  I'm having a ton of doubts right now. I have wanted a real relationship for so long...and does this mean that I need to work harder? We're not really a good match? I don't really want a relationship? I need to be patient and continue to let things play out? Heaviest of sighs.

Grateful for: a little snow and plenty of time.

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