Monday, September 24, 2018

Well, well, well

A lot has happened since May. Maybe I have a...I can't say it. I've been dating someone. I said to him the other day, "we're dating, right?" And he says, "we are?" I say, "aren't we?" He says, "It sounds more real when you say it."

It doesn't feel real. Met him for the first time six weeks ago. We met via an app. You know how long that's been going on. How many many years. I was fine at first. One date a week for four weeks...things were slow and then they sped up. Now, after six weeks and three sleepovers, I'm finally starting to feel that nagging anxiety that dating often brings me.

But other things. The Musician. I was booked back-to-back on the first date. First the new guy, then the Musician. The date went well and ran long. The Musician never got back to me. Really never: to this day, I still haven't heard from him. We'd seemed to be back on an even keel, but perhaps not? Doesn't matter. I sent him a multi-part text the other day wishing him well and saying it was over. I didn't mention that I'm seeing someone because that's not why it's over. For sure having a new guy gave me the courage to cut him off, but it's not the main reason.

My friend, the one who gave me the silent treatment, is back to being my friend, but we're definitely not as close. He doesn't text me as often. Which is not only fine but preferable. We may have dinner this week, though. Good. I still want to be his friend, I just don't want to be his therapist.

So, Mr. New Guy. He's pretty good, pretty interesting, pretty cute, pretty unusual. He's a vegan yogi with a software job. He's also got some heavy issues that need resolving before I can get 100% on board (I'm at about 85% now)...but he is actively working to resolve them. Number one, he needs to move and he's been looking at apartments. Does my mom still read this? Lord, I hope not. I'm not planning to tell her about him until he has a signed lease. But I'm itching for him to meet my friends. He is very sweet and says a lot of nice things to me--which I love but also have a hard time believing. But he believes it. Can I actually allow someone to like me this much? Can I take it? Can the issues that need resolving actually be resolved or am I fooling myself? When they are resolved, will he be gone like the wind? (Issue number 2 is both serious and easy to resolve and doesn't involve outside parties, unlike issue number 1. I'm giving him a chance and if he's sincere otherwise, I think he'll come through. That it was even an issue led to a pretty surprising meltdown on my part and I don't even know why he stuck around for that.)

This dude loves old radio shows as much as I do. Same politics. Musician. Lived in lot of the same places, notably NC. Much older half siblings. Still a very different cultural background and not a talker. I did *so much* talking on our first few dates. It's like I hadn't talked in years. He just sucked up all my stories like a sponge. He liked them and liked hearing me tell them. I've been struggling to get him to open up, and the other day he just started talking. It was like a real conversation--I'd mentioned something about my grade school years, and that reminded him of something and he told me about it. It was a major breakthrough even if he didn't notice. It all bodes well, but I have such doubts and worries. I know I will see him again. I don't know what's going to happen. Anything could happen. Anything.

Grateful for: patience.

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