Saturday, May 26, 2018

Well...hello

Here I am. I literally forgot about the blog. Forgot to write. Forgot to be grateful. I am very focused on improving my other habits but in the meantime, I’ve completely dropped what used to be a central habit in my life. Weird. Anyway. All goes well. I rode 50 miles last week and I’m on track for 50+ this week. This seems like a good pace for now since I’m starting to rack up some overuse injuries. Then again, I will probably push my luck and take a long ride tomorrow. Either 20ish on my own or 35 with a group. Will see how I feel. I have a late night (for me) tonight and I may just want to ride at my own pace tomorrow. Or save the long ride for Monday, which is a holiday—yay!

All that to say, work is going a little better. I’m a little more focused. I’m also just staying in most weeknights and eating at home—and even cooking most nights. Simple—like a steak or chicken breast and salad. But it’s good and I’m satisfied. This week, I actually met an old Seattle friend (Brian) for a drink after work. Caught him on FB in town for work. I invited my friend, — (what should his name be?). He came, which I didn’t expect, and we all had a good time. — was in a great mood, was really friendly. We seem to be getting closer and I’m not sure what to make of it. I really value his friendship and I can see he is making an effort to be more emotionally supportive. We’ve known each other about three years now and it’s hard to imagine things without him. He’s so ingrained in all my daily goings. He texts me everyday, so much so that when he doesn’t, I notice and I miss him. I started reflecting on all my past close friendships with men...there have been several important ones. And how sometimes it was clear it was not going to become romantic (Shawn); how we kinda sorta tried, tried again, and then timing made it impossible (Mike); and how I was rejected out of hand before things got started (K, A). I mean, I have a lot of reasons why — would be a bad romantic partner, but now the idea is stuck in my head and I can’t stop wondering if maybe I should give him a chance. He made a half pass at me about 2 (?) years ago and I rejected it very gently. It took a bit of recovery but we moved on...but was that a mistake? I thought he regarded me in a family/friendly way—almost a mother figure (ugh), but I also know that’s not quite true. I don’t know. Even writing this makes me feel a little crazy. I wonder if my ideas about relationships are too fixed...I have this idea of who my guy would be, — doesn’t fit that. But so? So what?

Speaking of dudes. I saw the Musician last Saturday (so a week ago) and I made a huge hash of it. Things with us have always been pretty clear to me. What he’s capable of giving and what I should expect. I haven’t always been satisfied with that, but I’ve mostly been reconciled. Yet, last weekend, I pushed a little and he freaked the f—k out. Dude. I don’t want to marry you! But, yeah, I don’t want to marry him, so why couldn’t I leave well enough alone? He said he had to think about it and I’ve left him alone. Ok, I texted him a celebratory pic when the hockey team won their playoff game because he’s a big fan—but that was it. He didn’t respond (expected) and I won’t be too surprised if I never hear from him again. Perhaps it’s for the best. 

Everything else...is fine. I’ve been moderately productive at work. I’m in a better mood. I’m feeling strong even though I have all these little aches and pains. I need to take the cat for dental care, I want to visit the bike-fitter...it’s all going to happen. 

Grateful for: new good habits. 

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