Sunday, October 04, 2015


I'm sitting in the coffee shop, per usual. When am I ever writing to you from anywhere else? It's Sunday. I am trying and failing to do work. Like, completely failing. I was out last night. I drank a lot. My head is fuzzy. I don't have a headache but I also have no focus. I'm also a little sad. I met someone last, earlier this week...who I really like. I just feel done. Like, if I could actually meet this person and if there were anyway it would work out to be with him, I'd be happy. But it's not like that. It can't be like that. I was in New York for work. I met him online. He was there because his sibling is very ill. We decided to have a drink--he needed the distraction and I was like, what the heck. I was working the next day, but in a support role. I figured I wouldn't stay out that late. I was planning to have a drink with him. I'd gotten the idea that he had a girlfriend back home (he's American but lives in Europe) so I didn't have anything else in mind. (I'm not 100% sure he doesn't have a gf, but I didn't ask--I don't think so, though.) Anyway, we met for a drink around 10pm. We talked. I talked. He smoked. He ordered an undrinkable drink and he wouldn't send it back. When the waiter came to check on us, I said the drink was undrinkable and we got a new one. I think he was relieved. We only had that one drink. Then took a walk, far north into even further north Harlem. I realized I couldn't walk back to my hotel alone. So, he walked back with me. The hotel had a sort of sunken courtyard in front of theentrance and we sat there and he smoked and we talked. And I told him the plot...the entire plot...of an incredibly stupid movie I'd watched part of earlier that day. And I tried to decide if I'd invite him up but by then, I think I had decided. The idea was that we would watch a stupid movie. We lay back on the king sized bed, each in our separate spaces and watched a really stupid movie. I did most of the heckling. We didn't touch for a long time. And then I had my head on his shoulder and he had his arm around me and it felt just right, like I could stay there a long time.

This seems like just the beginning. We were up late, late, but he fell asleep around 5:30. I don't think I slept. He snored and made other strange noises. I had to get up around 7:00 for work, so I woke him up. I was late, I was so tired. After we left the hotel, he walked to me to the main street so I could catch a cab. And I helped him find the subway so he could visit his sister. And I was having a hard time keeping my balance and he held my hand. We stood on that corner saying goodbye, hugging and kissing, until I broke away to get in my cab.

We have been in touch by email/text since then. A little a day, not a constant barage. But that was Tuesday and this is Sunday and it's not very long. And he doesn't live here and he's very, very sad. And I'm sad. I know he's kind of a messy person in general, not just becuase of his current family catastrophe. I figure there's no future and I'm not hopeful about it or sad about it. Except I am sad about it and I wish I would see him again. I said he could come visit, but I don't think he will though he asked how long the train ride was. I's just not about that. I was already shutting things down. A few days before I met him--let's call him JT--I turned off the dating site I've been usuing. Too many junk messages were coming my way and I coudn't deal. I can turn it back on, but for now, it's quiet. I met JT on an app, and I wrote to him first. Expecting nothing because guys don't usually answer. But after Tuesday, I checked back in one more time to change my status to take out the mention of being in NY and then I turned it off too. So, I'm not online in those venues.

So regardless of what happens with JT, I am on a break. I could feel it coming for a while. The dating was starting to feel overwhelming. Work feels overwhelming. I am tired. I am dissatisfied. I need a vacation. I want to quit. I want to work on the paper I wrote a million years ago that is getting cited even though it's unpublished. I want to write again but I don't know what about. I don't know how to find the time to let myself just think. Just settle. I am taking a vacation starting in late October. The first part is a long train ride to the west coast (flying to Chicago and starting from there) and I'm really looking forward to it. Things are very busy for the next two weeks but I need to find some little quite spot in these weeks or I think I may lose it--I may get angry at someone who doesn't deserve it. I may lash out and I don't want to do that. I want to be my kind, calm, generous, happy ideal self. Or at least be reserved enough to keep my bad shit to myself.

Oh I am so tired.

Grateful for: oh you know.

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