Where did I go? Typical. I am not sure about anything these days. The new job? It's going. It's frustrating and I'm kind of burned out on it. It's too much work for not enough reward. And I don't mean financial reward. The financial aspect is great--it's more than enough. But the emotional reward is almost negative. It's a totally different kind of problem than at the old job. Mostly, I'm on a united team here. I like almost everyone I work with. We're a good group and doing a mostly good job. It's not perfect but it's not merely functional either. However, we're not the best team for the job and that's obvious to everyone involved, especially our client.
See...I could go on. Why does my whole life revolve around work that I don't even care very much about? Something is going on around here that has all my internal alarm bells ringing and I've started looking in earnest for different work. I'm staying in the same field (or trying to go back to my old field) but I have to get out. With my mother's help, I've expanded my search to Seattle. This mostly fills me with terror. I have missed Seattle all these years and I would love to go back. My visits don't always go well but that has nothing to do with the town (and everything to do with...my mother). It would be so incredibly hard to leave behind the little slice of life I've carved out for myself in DC. I love my neighborhood, my apartment, my (few) friends. Life is good here...mostly. Well, it's known here. And I even though I have a couple of carefully preserved contacts in Seattle, in many--most?--ways it would be like starting over. Yet, I spent a bit of time looking at apartment listings on the internet...and I am working very hard on an application for a job that sounds like it was made for me. I need to do more though...I need to call people that Mom sent my way. I need to send out my CV. I need to work harder.
I woke up this morning feeling heavy and with a headache. I fixed the headache but the heavy, slightly disoriented feeling never left. I'm feeling...dissatisfied...uneasy...not quite myself. I'm worried and I'm not even sure about what. I have so much time left and I have no plan. I just need something else, something different, something new?
Grateful for: an inkling of a plan.
Big change, wow! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAnon11
So brave. I've fantasized about starting over in another city. I know what you mean about life being mostly good, er, well, known, here. It's inspiring to see you approach your dissatisfaction proactively. Bonne chance!
ReplyDeleteLg
How did you feel when you moved here to Washington? The adjustment to moving back to your hometown might, on net, be the same. You're more established and a little older now; but, on the other hand, you're familiar with the place you're moving to. Having said that, I've thought about moving back to my own home town, in part to be closer to my still-healthy but aging father, and haven't done so yet.
ReplyDeleteYou attached a lot of value to your previous job, which had a bad workplace environment. The environment of the current place sounds fine, but the work is less satisfying. I hope you can locate a job that has at least an OK workplace but satisfying work. I think it's more than fine to have a vocation.
Thanks everyone for the supportive comments.
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit different than when I moved here. I moved from Seattle to NC for grad school. That was incredibly hard. I was excited by my first year in NC was lonely and miserable--though very eventful. When I moved to DC, I was thrilled. I have never missed NC! I have always missed Seattle, though. I think I'd be happy to live there again.
The work situation is miserable and ridiculous. Something has to give.