Given the ups and downs of life, real and blog, I'm going to try again to revive my writing. In the past, the blog helped when I was feeling dissatisfied and I'm going to put it to that use again. I will see if I can find a nugget of hopefulness in there somehow. That's my gimmick and I'm sticking to it!
So, today is better than yesterday. I'm not sad, just a little tired. I felt foolish, and I still do a bit, but I will try and learn my lesson yet again. Nancy was one of the people I texted and she wrote to me again today asking if I'd figured out why I get so emotionally drawn in by these bad news situations. I wish I had an answer for that but I assured her I was no longer in pain. She responded, "...pain is the worst thing ever." I don't agree with her. Pain is bad. It's unpleasant, but it's necessary. How do you know what joy is, what pleasure is, if you never feel pain? I suggested that pain has a lesson and I need to learn what it is. In this instance, the lesson is that something about this particular guy triggers something unhealthy in me and I will never engage with him again. I get it. He probably isn't a bad person (I hope not), but he is bad news for me and I'm staying away from him.
Because Nancy and I don't talk the way we used to, she doesn't know how much calmer I generally am when it comes to "stupid boys." You don't know either, because most of my dating is invisible on the blog. I am much better at handling situations where the expectations are clear from the beginning. I don't get worked up and I only sometimes struggle a bit with how long to wait to get in touch with someone--or whether not to get in touch at all. I get frustrated and I have expressed that all too often. I don't quite understand why I don't have a boyfriend and haven't had one for years. I am older and fatter and maybe the answer is as simple as that. But older and fatter people do seem to have relationships and I am still funny, smart, pretty, etc. A catch, in fact! I have been dating people that I meet online almost exclusively for the last few years. I simply haven't met anyone in real life who asked me out--or who I liked enough to ask out. I have been thinking about this and looking over the long list of failed dates over the last few years. I haven't tracked how many guys asked me out a second time who I rejected, but it was many. Usually, if I wanted to go out with the guy again, he was willing. I'm screening them out fast and furious. I'm also not getting out enough. I'm not in places where it's even possible to meet men. I go to my knitting group almost every week and I really enjoy it--but it's all women. It won't stop me from going but I need to expand my activities. I go on the bike rides with my friends, but it's a small group. I'm going on a group ride with different folks this weekend, but it's another (by design) all-woman group. Shoot, I can't remember the last time I just went to the local bar for a drink. Maybe something as simple as that would be a good thing to do. It's like I'm out of practice being in public and interacting with strangers. Is it a skill that you can lose?
I've been thinking a lot about starting to go salsa dancing again. There is a place near my office that has salsa dancing on Tuesday nights. I keep meaning to go but even contemplating the logistics exhausts me and going alone seems daunting. I used to have a friend I went salsa dancing with, but she's long gone. I do feel like something is a bit "off" right now. Maybe it's been that way for a while. I'm far removed from the misery of my old job, which I think has helped. At least I'm going out on all those dates! But my attitude is still wonky and I wish I were happier in general. I'm not entirely satisfied with the new job but it's manageable.
I'll keep thinking on this and try and figure out how to push myself a little more but in the right way--a way that will also be comfortable for me.
Grateful for: friends who help me consider different perspectives.