Reflection

I just spent way too much of my day reading over this blog. I had an immediate purpose but it strikes me how valuable the blog is to me as a personal history. I'm glad that other people have at times read it and enjoyed it, but this is my diary and it's interesting to see what's changed and what hasn't over the years. In this round, I was looking over the last three years on a account of a random dude reappearing. I knew I had written about him but I didn't put all (hardly any!) of the details on the blog. I did record when we met (New Year's Eve, 2011--well it was 2012 at the time we met) and how I was disappointed that things didn't move in a dating direction with him. What I didn't tell you was that we did see each other a few more times and it was ok. Nothing was ever as much fun as that first night we met but I still liked him and had reasonable expectations. The last time we met was sometime in 2012, but I didn't mark it on the blog. Things didn't go well. He said something that I found insulting and I had enough of him. I packed up fast and ran out of his house leaving him with a few choice words. What a shame I didn't write them down! But I remember the anger. I also remember texting him a few days--weeks?--later, after I cooled down. He was stupid but I was more frustrated than angry. His response to that last text was, "who is this?" Damn. He'd deleted me! (This is why you don't delete people you don't want to hear from--if you delete them, they're not blocked and then you don't know if it's someone you're avoiding or someone you just haven't attached a name to yet who belongs to that number.)  After that, I was really and truly done.

Then very early last Sunday morning, he found me on the dating site that shall remain nameless. I have a bad habit of checking my phone in the wee hours if I wake up. I checked it and there was a message from someone. He knew my name but I was pretty sure we hadn't corresponded on the site before. I wondered if it were that guy...the guy from NYE some years ago. I asked a few questions, and yes, it was him. But we met in real life! Not online. But he deleted my number and this is how he found me. Nutso. We wrote back and forth a bit then he gave me his number. Guess what? I still had it! Then we texted for a while. He wanted to see me. I should come cover and take a walk with him. I should cuddle and sleep over and we'd spend a day watching movies. He really liked me and thought I was so beautiful and had such a great body. He liked me but didn't think we were a good match as a couple, but I should just come over. I don't know why I kept going with him. I refused to go over. I had plans for Sunday. At first I said he could come to me but I reneged on that. We kept texting. I got a bit of an explanation for what happened during our last bad encounter. (Not about me! What a surprise.) Then I finally had to go to sleep. It had gone on for hours.

I kept my plans for Sunday, completely exhausting myself with a 36-mile bike ride. I texted him again when I got home. Nothing. Once more time the next day. Nada. I asked him a favor today. Complete silence. Yes, I'm done, 100% done, but something about the whole thing completely bums me out. He wasn't for me. We both knew it. I still might've enjoyed seeing him again--but probably not. He saved me a lot of trouble by disappearing. I should be grateful. But I'm not. I'm just sad, annoyed with myself, and very frustrated.

Today, I was unproductive at work and I started texting my friends. I felt so lonely. I heard back from all the friends I contacted, even if it was just to apologize for not having time to talk. Everyone was kind and understanding and said he was an idiot. It helped. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. Tonight I may eat some ice cream.

Grateful for: understanding friends.