Yep, that's me. Super discouraged. This work stuff has really got me down. I feel like I'm swimming against the tide. Or I'm a fish out of water. Or something uncomfortable and out of place.
Talked to Mom the other day and she said, "you can't make work the focus of your life." Oy. Yes, I know Mom. I know. I am trying so hard to find other things to focus on. I don't want to think about work. I don't like work. I would be so much happier taking long walks, riding my bike, reading trashy novels, binge watching whatever, knitting, playing with the cat, and finding miscellaneous social events to attend. Oh, and dating. The thing is, I do some of those things, as much as I have the energy for, every week. I probably don't play with the cat enough.
But I can't tell Mom about the dating because it's already discouraging enough. And she's sure to say something biting and incisive that will dispel even the tiniest potential for fun. She's always right but that's not always helpful. She seems to thing I should have a boyfriend. I can't say I disagree, but I can't figure out how to make that happen. I can barely figure out how to have friends. I know part of that is me--I don't like people. I like certain people and the people I like, I like very much and I'm incredibly loyal to them, but I don't make a lot of close friends (not unusual), but the friends I have now seem particularly unavailable and I'm really feeling the absence of that. Pele is just too busy and distance. Others are all booked up and either not including me or engaging in things that just aren't that much fun for me.
I should stop being so gloomy because I have taken active steps to meet new people. I am semi-active on a FB group centered around a favorite podcast of mine. I've organized a local get together for the group--actually it's the second time I've done this. The first time was fun, but it was quite a while ago. This time, new people are coming, and it should be even bigger (though that's not necessarily a good thing). If I have the energy, maybe I'll keep organizing these events. I also have another new friend who I met through a biking activity who I'm going to see a movie with. On her FB wall she asked who wanted to see a particular scary movie. I don't know her well--we've only met two or three times and just chatted a little--but I put myself out there and said I was game. Then she invited me over to watch the movie with her! So, fun, right?
All I can do is keep trying but I have to say, I'm not very happy at the moment. Went to a meeting today and one of my (indirect) managers asked me what I needed. I said, someone else to manage my project. That's not good, but I don't have much confidence that I can salvage the mess that I've been brought here to fix. It all feels like too much. Ok, ok, how do I cheer up? I'm tired of being so down in the dumps. It happens much to often and I'm too much alone with no one to actually tell. See, there I go again? What do I have that I need? I have resources and a comfortable life, materially. Certainly things don't really get me down--like the car window break-in, that didn't really get to me. What I do care about is doing a good job and having friendships. So even if I'm not the happiest right now, at least I have decent priorities. And even if Mom doesn't believe me, I don't expect fulfillment from work, but it's just the most interactive part of my life, even if I wish that weren't the case.
Grateful for: having my priorities straight.