On days like today, I worry about myself a little. I slept until around 7am, which is pretty normal for me. then I went back to sleep and stayed in bed listen to podcasts and play games on my phone until nearly 10am. Is that healthy? Am I depressed and don't realize it? I feel pretty calm these days. Not unhappy though I'm not sure I'd say happy either. Moments of happiness, certainly, but mostly just level, even, and not too stressed--but ocassionally stressed--by work. Work is still my main focus and maybe it just has to be that way for a while. I am still adjusting to my role as a "senior" staffer. As a manager. A leader. My ability to lead at work has started to spill over to my daily life where I am making more decisions, taking charge in a group, and generally feeligng pretty comfortable with myself. Not in all areas of course. Of course.
Speaking of dating, a boy (blog name "Ben") who I thought I'd never see again has come back into my life. I met him last year and first mentinoned him in a post on 12/15/13. We got together a few times (four times) and then he broke things off by text (see the post from 1/31/14). That was it. In the last couple of months, I have thought of him a few times. I even considered texting him, but then I would remember the last time we saw each other, the extreme awkwardness, and I wouldn't. Then, what do you know, about three weeks ago, he texted me. I was so happy! We got together a couple of days later and again a week after that. He's out of town right now and I'm out of town next week so I figure I'll see him when I get back (this has been discussed). Will we make it more than four dates this time? I'm not so sure. It feels just the same as before (why wouldn't it?). I like him, he likes me. We like to talk. We're not running around having adventures (I'd like to find someone for that!), but it's all very friendly. I am starting to feel like we really are friends, which is good and odd at the same time. Somehow, it's still awkward with him. I didn't ask him why he broke things off before; honestly it didn't occur to me until I mentioned his reappearance to Pele, who couldn't remember why it had ended before. It just ended, at his request. And, at the time, I reserved the right to ask why but then I never did. Maybe I thought I understood and didn't need to ask. I'm now a little curious to hear his perspective, but I don't know if I'll get around to asking or not. It does make me a little gun-shy--like he might just say, "this is over" at any time, but why worry? Last time, I knew it was going to happen. I have to trust my spidey sense this time too. My gut says it's not over yet--though the anxiety-o-meter is pinging away like crazy. Some things never change. Anyway, I am glad he's around but I feel some of the frustration I did last time. There are non-break up things I want to talk to him about but I can't quite go there. Oh, and this is the thing, he's planning to move to New York in December. We have a time limit. No need to worry about breaking up--he'll move first. I'm not sure if that's comforting or sad. Perhaps both.
Other than that, I'm planning to visit KJ for Thanksgiving. I up and invited myself but she seemed happy to have me. Last year, I went home to Seattle, but it was kind of miserable. Then in December I have a trip to Israel booked. Going with Dad and Susan. Tacking on a week split between London and Paris beforehand. It should be great. Cold, miserable, but great. I'm already planning my wardrobe. I bought a pair of boots and I'm testing them today--good thing because the insole in one is messed up. Plenty of time to fix it or exchange them. I'm also on a vest-hunt. I decided layering a vest over my Icelandic sweater (the one I finished knitting last winter) would be the right outer wear to bring since it doesn't get super cold in either London or Paris. I will be walking a lot so I don't want to bring a heavy coat. My sweater and a down vest...perfect, right? We'll see. I'm ordering lots in the hopes of finding one that fits well and looks decent.
Boring. I feel boring. I've been feeling a little weird recently...a bit off. Some days I feel "heavy" like a weight is pulling my whole body down. Usually it passes quickly but I wonder what it means. Am I sick? Do I just need more sleep? Or more exercise? Or a better reason to get up in the morning? Work is a reason but it's never going to be the best reason. Maybe I need to spend a little more time on the blog. I'll think on it.
Oh--and here's this pretty shawl I just finished knitting. Maybe next time I'll post a pic of it after blocking.
Grateful for: having an outlet when I need it.