Years ago, I remember I was delighted to find "malaise" listed as a flu symptom. A condition I'd only regarded as an attitude or enhanced laziness, was, in fact, part of the larger set of symptoms for a truly serious disease. Maybe they meant something else by malaise, but I didn't care. Today, as I walked from the metro to get my coffee, I feel an overwhelming sense of tiredness. I've been tired for weeks it feels and it crossed my mind that I was more in the malaise realm than the merely tired one. I thought, "maybe I'm coming down with something and should go home and rest." I did rest a lot this weekend, yet I don't feel refreshed. I know extreme tiredness is associated with depression, but I don't think I'm there either. I don't ache. I shower. The house is not clean, but it's fairly orderly. I've started on some of the household tasks I've been avoiding for a while. I don't feel sad. I don't want to avoid the world. I'm in my normal state...which seems to revert to knitting while watching tv. I really could do that all the time.
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I wrote the above a couple of weeks ago. I did pick myself up a bit. I went to show last Friday, solo, and enjoyed it. Took a long bike ride on Saturday. Generally had a pleasant weekend but still got a few things done. This week, I had some massively tired days. Yesterday was ridiculous--I was practically falling asleep at my desk. Today, I feel great. Not great about work, but totally awake and engaged. I'm still slacking off more than I want to. I think part of the problem is that I"m feeling a bit oppressed by my supervision. I am a project manager but I still have to defer to someone--my project director. She's not that involved but sometimes i have to clear things with her, but sometimes I don't. It's confusing and annoying. I think I might enjoy the job more if I really were independent and making the calls myself. The PD is loosing the reins a bit--but I'm still chaffing at the bit...as it were.
And boys. What can I tell you? A date here, a date there, but it doesn't go anywhere. I'm super frustrated and annoyed. Last night I had the most unpleasant exchange with a guy and it was all the worse because he seemed so promising. He wanted to talk on the phone, which was a nice change. I had a good feeling about him. Sure, he was a bit forward, but that was ok. He called when he said he would, he asked me a lot of questions. I reciprocated and I was starting to get to know him a little. I ignored some warning signs, but it was also kind of fun to consider the rather outrageous things he was suggesting. I didn't make any promises.
How did it fall apart? He drew a line in the sand over a very personal choice about grooming. I mean, really? This is something we have to talk about? This is a REQUIREMENT? No, just no. What I do with the hair on my body really isn't anyone's business. (I don't ask or want men to remove any of their hair--though a clean shave is appreciated. A beard is great too. It's the stubble I don't like, but that's about comfort.) We had quite discussion about it and I used terms like "the male gaze" and corrected him on improper use of anatomy terms. He seemed to think that I was an outlier--and that my choice was quite unusual. He said that men who'd never expressed any preferences on this count were lying to me. That in all his life, with the hundreds of people he'd asked about this issue, all of them agreed with him. I told him he was shallow. Yeah, I know, not the greatest rhetorical come back. He also wanted to make a bet with me, which he prefaced by saying, "You like money. Everyone likes money. You could use some extra money." His idea was to flag people down in shopping mall and ask them...well, how exactly would he have phrased this question without creeping people out, I don't know, but we didn't get that far. I said that's not how survey research works and I didn't care that much about money. I didn't want his money and I didn't need any extra money. Around then is when he told me that he understood why I was "still" single and was mid-sentence with another insult--so I hung up on him.
My bad for letting things go that far. For talking to him as long as I did. I was genuinely surprised that I would get rejected on these grounds--we hadn't even met yet! But he was asking too much anyway. What he wanted wasn't acceptable, even before my personal grooming choices were discussed. I just don't get it. I found the whole thing off putting and discouraging . It reminded me a bit of that young dude from many years ago who rejected me because I was too fat. He claimed that I would get "higher quality" men if I lost weight. That seemed so nuts to me. I'd get different men, sure. Men who valued thinness overall. I don't expect all men to find me attractive. But I also know that men like all kinds of women. That many men find both thin, medium, and larger women attractive. Hell, I know I find all kinds of men attractive. Let's give men in general that much credit. They aren't purely shallow creatures who only care about looks--or only care about a very specific set of criteria for looks. No. Men are humans, and human desires are wide and varied. And I've met lots of those men, and I'm sure I will meet more.
So thanks horrible internet dude for saving me from having to meet you face-to-face. As it turned out, you wasted less than an hour of my life. And I will count myself lucky because all of my boyfriends have been just fine with how I am in this world. Even if we weren't destined for lasting romance, it wasn't because of how I managed my body. Those men are out there too and I hope I meet another one of them soon.
Grateful for: being comfortable with my choices.