Now where did I leave off? I think I'd started my exercise regime. Spring seems to be my time. I'm happy to report that I've been keeping it up. I'm doing the walk/jog routine three times a week. On the other days, I walk or take a short bike ride. I did skip one morning this week, but that day I did all my PT exercies along with a routine of push-ups and sit-ups. I haven't seen tremendous results yet, but I think it is helping. I'm in a good mood and I'm pleased with my consistency. I am still pretty tired each day at work but that should pass if I keep it up. I think I will do well with this through November or whenever we change to standard time. The cold isn't what I find hard to deal with--it's the dark. But if I can keep going trhough November, then I can take a little break over December and probably be no worse for wear. We'll see. I wonder if planning for time off is the way to make my routine a real, permanent aspect of my life, rather than a big push every other year. And then, what happens if I ever get a boyfriend? How will that work? Best not to worry about it--that bridge is a long way off if I ever do cross it. I will keep my intent to stay active. A bit every day, no matter what. It can be a walk, a jog, a bike ride, a hike--whatever.
What else? Boys, dates. Yes, I've had a few. I am keeping track. I made a list and I record all my first dates. Is it a sad state of affairs that pretty much the only dates I have these days are with dudes I meet online? Is that just how it works now? I do things--group bike rides, volunteer activities--but I don't meet single guys. I do talk to people and maybe I'll make friends eventually, which would be great, but these activities have never yielded dates. Even when I did the recreational sports back in the day, through which I did make some friends, I think I only ever dated one person I met that way. I did get some hopeless crushes, so that's something? Yes? No? I don't know.
I'm pretty sure I'm reasonably attractive and all that. I'm feeling impatient about the whole thing. I want to get this settled. I want to have a regular sex life. I want a partner. I'm tired of cooking for myself. I'm tired of struggling to find people to socialize with every weekend. It's so easy for me to just relax into being alone. Is it dangerous? Is it a trap? A much as I'd like a steady boyfriend, I also wish I had a steady friend to hang out with. Someone I could pretty much assume I was going to do something with every week. I have friends, but I don't have that core friendship that plays out into the backbone of a social life. Missing those two things, I might be really unhappy, but I'm not. I reasonably content, but there is an undercurrent of dissatisfaction in my life. Maybe it's because some of the people I'm closest to live far away (Seattle, Israel, England, Nashville...and other spots!). Maybe it's because I'm not making enough of an effort to reach out to the good friends I have nearby (lazy!). And it is because I want those connections to play a bigger part in my life and right now, they don't. I figure they will again and in the meantime, I have to just keep taking care of myself and get out of the house regularly.
Maybe this is due to my long period of unhappiness at my old job. The haze from that mess is still lifting. The pain is less intense. The only regret I have is staying as long as I did. I am getting used to the new job, I'm learning how to pace myself and not feel overworked. And, finally, I'm starting to enjoy it a bit. I think that's why I'm pretty content despite my not-so-active social life. It could be so much worse. It has been worse. And it's getting better. That feeling goes a long way to making up for not having a best buddy to see every week or even a boyfriend. It could be so much worse.
Grateful for: the new regime.