A lot has happened since I last wrote. And nothing. First the obligatory work talk.I know I do this when I'm avoiding talking about something a little more sensitive. I continue to struggle to manage the staff on my project. My data analyst couldn't meet her deadline and instead of being clear and up front, she stayed at home and avoided me for two days. Then she blamed my temper for staying home. I have worked so hard to stay calm at work that it's a real slap in the face to hear that she can feel justified using my emotions as a pretext for her actions. Even if it's true, her actions are still problematic. She didn't have permisson to work at home. I also specifically asked her to come in so I could review her work. Since she did tell me she couldn't finish by her Friday deadline, I needed time to review what she'd done so I could finish it out. I told her that I wanted to go over things on Thursday so that I would have time to ask her questions on Friday. Since she's gone the following week, Friday was the last chance for us to do the review. She didn't come in until Friday--and only then because I scheduled a meeting. We met at 9:30 and it went well. Our big manager was there. She let us know that the analyst had all day to work on the project. Around 1pm I discovered an error in her work and talked to her about it. Around 5:45pm I checked in again and asked what progress she made.
That's when I found out that she hadn't done any work on my project at all. She had another project that was more important--and despite the instruction of our manager--she spent most of the day until around 4 or 4:30pm working on that. And by the time I talked her she had maybe spent an hour on my project. I kind of lost it. I definitely had a "tone" in my voice as I asked her why she hadn't worked on my project when our manager had specifically instructed her NOT to work on the other project. Honestly, I was stunned. I figured she'd be wrapping things up by 6pm or so. But no. And then she went and told on me to a different manager who was also working late. I'm sure I could've handled things better, but this analyst has consistently missed deadlines and blamed other people (not just me!) when she doesn't get her work done. The work is ok though there are often lots of little problems to correct. I was really upset about the whole thing. And the work still isn't done, though she sent a bunch of it around 2am. I will have to double check everything next week. Super sigh.
And R, the man I was kind of dating. I'm sure you're all curious about that. Well, it's a terrible story too, though this time, at least, not of my doing. So, he was in touch and we'd made a date for last Thursday. But he also wasn't feeling well when he returned. We postponed to Sunday because he wasn't getting better. I sort of figured Sunday might not work out either. He went to the doctor. He went to the emergency room. He had to cancel the date again. I offfered to come by and just keep him company for a bit, but he said no. The next thing I hear, he's in the hospital. That was about a week ago and he's still there. He's in bad shape and the doctors don't know what's wrong with him. I asked to visit--he said thanks but it was really a "no." I've been sending him one text a day and he gives me an update. I write back and that's it.
R's brother came to town to help him out and today I tracked down the brother's email address and offered assistance. He thanked me but said he had it covered and that R would be in touch when he got home. Well, that's fine--but R has been in touch, he just doesn't need anything from me. I accept that, but I thought I had to make the offer just in case R was being super stoic. Or maybe he just doesn't like me? Oh, who cares. I don't know if we'll even see each other again. Hopefully he'll recover and get back to normal, but he won't be the same. It's not about me and I don't care about the dating part--I want to help. I want to be a friend. I've made the offer, which is what I had to do. And that's all I can do. Still, it's kind of crazy.
I can work on being a better manager. I can try and be a friend. I can try and learn my lesson about dating and anxiety. I don't know how much change I can actually accomplish. But I can try and try and keep on trying. Still, I have to say, I'm not the happiest camper.
Grateful for: more perspective.