The point

How about that dating then? I did cancel my membership on the free site. But I was still going online, just using a different venue--a phone app.  It works a lot differently and, so far, I prefer it. Sure, I've run into creeps, but somehow it's easier to disengage. Overall, it's been pretty interesting and I've had several good text-chats.  I've also had four dates with four different guys. Four first dates. I wrote about one of those dates back at the end of January. It took a while for the next date to happen--about a week ago. The last two happened this week, back to back on Wednesday and Thursday.

One of those is promising. What a strange feeling to have! I actually want to go out on a second date with him and I think we may even have a third date. Not to get too far ahead of myself, of course, since we haven't had the second date yet, though it is in the works.

The whole thing has been interesting. Also, I didn't think I wanted to write about it. In a lot of ways I don't, but I can't settle down. I'm feeling a little restless, a bit impatient. Normal for me when I like someone. I don't like him in that complete madness way, where I'm checking the phone every five minutes or I'm composing and not sending emails or texts and torturing myself about it. I'd be lying if I said I were perfectly calm. Not at all. But I'm not a complete mess.

Anyway, this is what the blog is for--my chance to process.  I met the two fellows I had dates with this week online about the same time. With R, we made plans pretty quickly--in fact, during our very first chat. I was going to NJ for the weekend, so we made a date for when I returned. And every day since then, including while I was out of town, we wrote back and forth. The rapport was easy and conversational. We slowly learned about each other's lives and I fussed a little about the frustrations of my family visit. It was always friendly but not overly intimate. He was actually my support system that weekend--I often feel alone during big family gatherings since I'm the only single person, except for the kids. While I prefer to hang out with the kids, that wasn't an option this time. I liked R better and better the whole time. But I was worried about reality living up to whatever expectations I was building.

The other fellow, S, only texted a few times, but it was friendly and we also made plans. I actually thought I was supposed to meet him before my trip, but we had a misunderstanding. We cleared it up and made a plan to meet the day after I had my date with R. S works where I used to work, which freaked me out a bit. I was sure I'd seen him around, but we definitely hadn't met before.

I drove back from NJ with Spesh (Israeli friend), per a previous plan. I talked to R about that too--even though it wasn't meant to be any kind of test, R didn't show any signs of jealousy or question that I was having a male house guest. This is a good sign--I can't tell you how many guys get squirmy when they learn I have a close male friend who is a house guest. "Is he your ex? What kind of visit is it?" Etc. But he had no business asking those kinds of questions.  That's the thing about R--he's so reasonable. Like a real, normal, non-weirdo type person. In fact, due to Spesh business, we had to move our date one day later--and it was even R's suggestion. He was gracious about it.

Maybe this isn't an aside, I don't know, but as usual when Spesh visits, I managed to really lose it one day. I got very upset and angry about the way he handled some of the plans for his time here. That's always ostensibly what it's about. I talked to a friend about it and she said "it sounds like you're not getting what you want from that relationship." Well, yes, I think I knew that but hearing her say it out loud helped a little. I've been turning that phrase over in my mind ever since. My relationship with Spesh is something that I've just learned to accept over the years. He's like another brother and while I may get angry at him, we're not going to stop being friends. I wish I could handle my shit a little better though. This incident (it was so stupid, I don't even want to get into the details) had me pretty shaken up and emotional. Teary, even. And I was still on that edge the next day going right into my date with R! Work is also stressful and I was just hoping I could get in a happier place so that the date would have a chance to be pleasant.

R picked the place for us to meet. I was late mostly due to metro (blasted red line!), but he was not irritated. Our date went well. I was nervous. I talked a lot. Maybe not too much. We ate a little but mostly drank, which was fine by me.  We left the first place, walked a little bit, and had a drink at a second place. We talked and he told me some of his story. It was good, I was happy to be with him. I was nervous and comfortable all at the same time. He walked me to the metro and started to say something about meeting again. We were standing face to face--and I looked into his eyes and kissed him.  Total impulse. I think it took him by surprise. Maybe it took me by surprise a little too. So we just stood there, talking and kissing a little bit, slowly saying goodnight.

I finally got on the train and we texted all the way home until I went to bed. I do wonder a bit about all the texting. I like it, sure, but can it go on like this indefinitely? Will I be disappointed when it slows down? Will it matter? I do like to find things to worry about!

Then, on the way home, I realized I had a date with S the next night! Every instinct was to cancel. Not that I had any certainty about things with R, but I had lost any interest in going out on dates with other people. Yet, I didn't have a legit reason to cancel with S and in fact, I think we'd made plans before I even started talking to R. I kept the date with S.  It wasn't the easiest thing I'd ever done. I tried to be open to liking S. And in a way, it was a test of my feelings for R.  As it often happens, as soon as I got a look at S I knew it was not going to work. He wasn't bad looking but he wasn't for me. He also had a bit of a negativity about him and a tendency to contradict things I said. Not that he had to agree with me--but it was annoying. I don't think I would have been interested him under any circumstances, but under these it was very clear that I wasn't.  Still, we had an ok time. I tried to stay positive and contribute to the conversation. For once, I didn't talk like a maniac, which I sometimes do to cover awkward silences. I just let there be some silences and then one of us would find something to say. We took a little walk at the end of the date, which was nice. He told me I had some interesting stories and that he wanted to take me on a hike (funny, so does R).  We said goodbye and I got on the train. Then R texted. Ha ha! Perfect timing, right?

I haven't told R about the date with S but I probably will.  The next day S texted that it was nice to meet me and that we should touch base after his vacation. I said it was nice to meet him too and I wished him a good trip. I hope he doesn't contact me again, but you never know.

R and I have plans for today--we're going on a short hike in town (more a nature walk, I think) and then he's cooking me dinner. You know it's on.

Grateful for: meeting someone I really like.