So, I did the stupid thing—the wrong thing. I won’t do it again. I know it was wrong and quite possibly a mistake, but I think I can live with myself and I also learned something. I have a better sense of why I’m drawn to doomed situations. Maybe. Let’s see if I can remember. (The lesson: doomed relationships have a timetable, thus an element of certainty. The thing that usually precipitates my anxiety in relationships is the uncertainty. So, perhaps, even if the certainty is negative, it's better than nothing? I don't know if this is explains my actions or not, but it's a thought.)
Speaking of doom, I had the most infuriating conversation ever with a dude on the free dating site. I had one date with this fellow over a year ago. When I first met him, I thought he looked ok, but as our conversation progressed, I was less and less attracted. He wasn’t super aggressive, but he did seem to think I should take him home. And short of that, we should meet again so I could take him home then. I didn’t take him home and when he asked me out again, I declined. A few months ago, he got in touch with me again and he was sort of obnoxious about my continued presence on the site. I didn’t really get it. We had a conversation about why I didn’t want to go out with him. I tried to soft peddle it but eventually I came right out and said I didn't find him attractive. Then he said something about how I had no reason not to be attracted to him. I was puzzled. Since when does one need a reason not to find someone attractive? That conversation ended, but he approached me again the other day and we had almost the same exchange. This time, I thought I’d share it with you because his attitude is truly astonishing.
He said something like, “oh, you’re still here.” I asked him why he said that…
Dude: Just ironic that you and I could of had some sensual erotic times yet you refuse. Out of spite really
Me: I don’t know why you think it’s out of spite. I wasn’t attracted to you. Am I supposed to be grateful that you were willing? That’s not how it works.
Dude: You have no reason not to be attracted to me.
Me: Why do I need a reason?
Dude: Then it’s just out of spite.
Me: So if a woman doesn’t find you attractive, it’s out of spite? What is the source of my spite exactly?
Dude: You tell me, it’s your spite.
(Points to dude for perfect grammar and spelling!)
After that, I decided to work some of my management jujitsu. Ok, not really, but I’m trying to look at all encounters where the other party seems glaringly, obviously wrong and tease out my part of the problem. I’m actively trying to diffuse these situations, take responsibility for my actions, thank the other person for their input and apologize, as appropriate. So, that’s why I didn’t just say “fuck you” and end the conversation. I wasn’t subtle or particularly kind, but I tried to stay calm.
Me: Any ill feeling I have now is about the snide tone you’ve taken with me. For me, when we met, I wasn’t feeling it. If you need to call that spite then you do what you need to do. I’m going to stop now because this is making me feel bad. I wish you the best.
He didn’t write back. I blocked him the next day, just in case.
Talking to a fellow recently, I said, "there's something wrong with me." I can't say that this story is anything but a confirmation of that. I'm also thinking I need to cancel my membership on the site, at least for a while. If I stay on there, I'm going to keep getting pulled back in to this nonsense and it's exhausting. I'm getting precious few dates and none of them have boyfriend potential. Maybe it's better to remove the temptation.
Grateful for: tiny insights.