Saturday, March 22, 2014


So, I did the stupid thing—the wrong thing. I won’t do it again. I know it was wrong and quite possibly a mistake, but I think I can live with myself and I also learned something. I have a better sense of why I’m drawn to doomed situations.  Maybe. Let’s see if I can remember. (The lesson: doomed relationships have a timetable, thus an element of certainty. The thing that usually precipitates my anxiety in relationships is the uncertainty. So, perhaps, even if the certainty is negative, it's better than nothing? I don't know if this is explains my actions or not, but it's a thought.)

Speaking of doom, I had the most infuriating conversation ever with a dude on the free dating site. I had one date with this fellow over a year ago.  When I first met him, I thought he looked ok, but as our conversation progressed, I was less and less attracted. He wasn’t super aggressive, but he did seem to think I should take him home. And short of that, we should meet again so I could take him home then. I didn’t take him home and when he asked me out again, I declined.  A few months ago, he got in touch with me again and he was sort of obnoxious about my continued presence on the site. I didn’t really get it. We had a conversation about why I didn’t want to go out with him. I tried to soft peddle it but eventually I came right out and said I didn't find him attractive. Then he said something about how I had no reason not to be attracted to him. I was puzzled. Since when does one need a reason not to find someone attractive?  That conversation ended, but he approached me again the other day and we had almost the same exchange.  This time, I thought I’d share it with you because his attitude is truly astonishing.

He said something like, “oh, you’re still here.” I asked him why he said that…

Dude:  Just ironic that you and I could of had some sensual erotic times yet you refuse. Out of spite really

Me:      I don’t know why you think it’s out of spite. I wasn’t attracted to you. Am I supposed to be grateful that you were willing?  That’s not how it works.

Dude:  You have no reason not to be attracted to me.

Me:      Why do I need a reason?

Dude:  Then it’s just out of spite.

Me:      So if a woman doesn’t find you attractive, it’s out of spite? What is the source of my spite exactly?

Dude:  You tell me, it’s your spite.

(Points to dude for perfect grammar and spelling!)

After that, I decided to work some of my management jujitsu. Ok, not really, but I’m trying to look at all encounters where the other party seems glaringly, obviously wrong and tease out my part of the problem. I’m actively trying to diffuse these situations, take responsibility for my actions, thank the other person for their input and apologize, as appropriate. So, that’s why I didn’t just say “fuck you” and end the conversation.  I wasn’t subtle or particularly kind, but I tried to stay calm.

Me:      Any ill feeling I have now is about the snide tone you’ve taken with me.  For me, when we met, I wasn’t feeling it. If you need to call that spite then you do what you need to do. I’m going to stop now because this is making me feel bad. I wish you the best.

He didn’t write back. I blocked him the next day, just in case.

Talking to a fellow recently, I said, "there's something wrong with me." I can't say that this story is anything but a confirmation of that. I'm also thinking I need to cancel my membership on the site, at least for a while. If I stay on there, I'm going to keep getting pulled back in to this nonsense and it's exhausting. I'm getting precious few dates and none of them have boyfriend potential.  Maybe it's better to remove the temptation.

Grateful for: tiny insights.


  1. Sorry about the doomed situation. Glad you can find the lesson in it, but it doesn't sound fun.

    And Dude has a grasp of the correct "it's" but not perfect grammar: he means "you and I could have had" not "could of had." (Plus I dock points for the yucky phrase "sensual erotic times"...ugh.) He seems bitter, but maybe he thinks of this as humorous banter. He hopes that his stubbornly high opinion of his objective attractiveness and his persistence will win you over and seem endearing.

    1. Hi Amanda! Well, doomed, you know, just one of the things I do. The fellow in that situation may have been the saddest man in the world--so pity had some kind of part in the situation. Anyway.

      And of course Dude deserves zero credit for grammar and I meant to put a "[sic]" next to that "of." Oh well. He was just gross. I told another friend about him and he pointed out that Dude feels entitled to my attraction--that if I lack it, something is wrong with ME and MY morals for not wanting to jump into bed with him.

      All I can say is that my instincts on him were operating 100%. I have to keep paying attention to my spidey-sense. :)

  2. hi Jamy....longtime reader/lurker here :) I had to comment on this post because I used online dating (free sites and also a few paid ones) for years on and off....and I experienced some of the same things as you did. If I ever got a creep vibe from a guy (and if he persisted in contacting me), I would block him. Even if one wasn't particularly rude, but creepy/persistent, he would get blocked. Some people can't take a hint. And the "best" part is when they write back to you and insult you for not wanting to pursue things with them, and THEN they try to ask you out for a date again! I got a very memorable very nasty email from one man who I had 2 dates with, then I decided (after he insulted me by telling me that I "talked too much") not to speak to again. He emailed/called a few times, and I just ignored him. A few weeks went by, and he sent me an email, speculating in great detail how I must be "paralyzed in a hospital bed" and that was why I hadn't returned his emails. Then he went into detail about what sorts of calamities he imagined could have befallen me. The way he wrote this was so full of venom, that I really sensed that he wished something terrible HAD happened to me! So creepy! Oh, and at the end of the email, he lamented how he thought we had "really hit it off" and asked me to see him again! What??? You insulted me, and then basically threatened me in a creepy way, and you think I might want to see you again?! As much as I wanted to reply to his email, to put him in his place, I realized that contacting him in any way was a bad idea, so I deleted the email and blocked him from emailing again.

    1. Thank you for your story! It's actually good to hear that I'm not the only who's had this experience. I think some men just feel entitled to a certain kind of treatment from women and they are blind to the fact that women are HUMANS. So frustrating.

      Your hospital guy's behavior is truly astonishing.

  3. ....also, I went through the same feeling of being so frustrated by one particular free dating site, that I stopped looking on it, and was really thinking of deleting my profile completely. This will sound like such a cliche, but shortly after I thought about deleting my profile, I got an email from an interesting-sounding guy from the site. I had actually viewed his profile several months before, but didn't write to him because I was afraid that he would reject me and just not write back. He seemed almost too good to be true. When he wrote to me on his own, I was intrigued and replied. He had also reached the point where he was so frustrated that he almost took his profile off that site. We emailed and talked for several weeks, and finally had a date. Nearly a year after that first date, we were married, and that was six months ago. So the moral to the story is, some of these sites can lead to long-term partnerships, but you have to sift through a lot of doo-doo to find the sincere and compatible people. In the end, I found that sincerity and timing were factors that most influenced how "successful" an online dating prospect would be. The person has to be sincere about really finding a serious relationship, and he has to decide that it is the right time in his life for that. Anyway, I don't want to give unsolicited advice but just wanted to share some of my experiences :)

    1. I'm very happy that things worked out for you! I took a few days before I decided to suspend my account but no perfect men showed up to rescue me. I may go back...we'll see. I do like a happy ending though. :)

    2. Thanks, Jamy, for your comments! I will say that getting off of the dating sites (due to getting engaged/married) was a "happy ending" to that chapter of my life....but I will also say that I think that a "happy ending" for all of us is just being alive and enjoying the path where life takes us. I had been in several other LTRs with men whom I had met on dating sites, and, in retrospect, I would have been better off if I had stayed single, rather than pursue those relationships. Sometimes I wonder "what if" I hadn't "wasted" my time on those going-nowhere relationships....but then I realize that I most likely would not have met my husband when I did, had I not gone though all of the other online dating agonies I had suffered through before him.

      I think that being thoughtful and deliberate about your interactions/dates/decisions, as you appear to be, is a smart thing to do. Even the dud dates/relationships help us to see what we don't want in the future.

    3. Sorry--I meant to respond before. I like your attitude about happy endings! I think that's a good approach and one I strive to adopt.

      I guess I'm not confident at all that anything relationship-wise will ever work out for me and it's hard not to be sad about that. That's the problem I'm dealing with now--how to shake off this tinge of self-pity that's dogging me right now. I have lots to be grateful for and really a very good life. Just have to keep reminding myself of that. Guess that's the point of the blog--and it's still relevant!


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