Begin again, again

Where do I start? I have so much to write about! The job is going great. I’m still liking it.  It’s not perfect, but I’m loving the challenge. I love that I get an opportunity to rise to the occasion.  All the things the horrible supervisor—and my other powerful friends at the old job—thought I was incapable of turn out to be things that I excel at. Can I listen to people and be sensitive to other perspectives? Yes. Can I control myself in trying circumstances? You bet. Can I manage difficult people and negotiate compromises? Yup. Can I come up with creative solutions? Indeed I can.  Can I take criticism graciously? Turns out, YES.

I was in a box at my old job. And all those that had any power were happy to keep me inside that box. Now, I would’ve been satisfied to stay in my box if it hadn’t been for my horrible supervisor. So, despite the pain and agony she caused me, she did me a tremendous favor.  I am finally getting a chance to fulfill my potential (at least in my chosen professional arena—let’s not talk about the writing).  This is so huge—to know that I can be a manager. Not something I’ve ever aspired to—but I am good at reading people and adjusting to their needs. I don’t do it a lot in my personal life (huh, really?), but I have done it, and it’s a really good thing to do at work.

There I go again—whenever I get ready to talk about my personal life, I launch into a treatise on work. What is that about? So, here’s what’s going on. I had a little thing going with a sweet, age-inappropriate fellow. He ended things by text. I was going to say abruptly, but I wasn’t really surprised when he called it off. Our last date was kind of odd. He opened up to me about a lot of troubling things going on in his life. Knowing that’s not really what he had in mind for our “relationship,” I figured we were coming up on the end. And the next day—what do you know—he ended it. I was a little disappointed but that was all. I wasn’t sad and barely even annoyed. I did like him, but no one was falling in love, and we were barely dating, so there wasn’t much to regret losing.  I felt a pang…but by the next day, I wasn’t thinking about him.

And, yesterday, a week after the good-bye text, I was out on a date with a new guy. This time, an age-appropriate man; actually older than me. It’s been a shockingly long time since I had a date with someone close to my age, let alone older.  He was good looking, quiet, calm, and interesting. The build-up to our date was rather flirtatious and as I sat there with him, picking at an appetizer and not ordering a second drink, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to “go there” with him.  We finished and he asked to walk me home. Cute. He would’ve left me at the door, but I invited him in “for a minute.”

We sat on the couch. The cat attacked him and then curled up on his jacket (she is such a weirdo).  We talked—I talked. He touched my back, my hair, but he wasn’t aggressive or insistent or in any way inappropriate. Then he leaned in for the kiss…and I just couldn’t.

I’ve been trying to figure out why ever since. 

Was it the Bluetooth headset he still had hanging on his ear when we first me? (He did take it off after a few minutes.)

Am I still tender from my pseudo break-up last week?

Were my instincts buzzing on something real that was just under the surface?

I just don’t get it. He was interesting. We had a good conversation. He said things that indicated he was listening to what I said. I did way too much of the talking—but we had no awkward pauses.  He was attractive.  He liked me (shallow, I know, but required).  I just…well, I don’t know what he had in mind. And he had every reason to think I was game for a little physical something. But I wasn’t. I am tired of that game. I’ve had some fun with it and I’m not saying never again, but maybe not right now. I couldn’t get started with him on those terms. I still wonder if that’s the answer or if it’s something else….maybe I’ll know if I’m still thinking about him in a couple of days.  The next move is mine as I don’t expect to hear from him again. And if I do decide to reach out, I’m fully prepared to be rejected.

Gee whiz, I do love dating. Not.

Grateful for: potential!