Things really seemed to be on an upswing for a minute, didn't they? The down is no fun and I don't feel like writing about it at all. In the old days, when I wasn't in the mood to post, I'd make a list--let's do that now, shall we?
Today is a furlough day, so I have loaded up on errands again. What I've done so far (and it's just after noon as I write):
- Taken the cat to the vet. In fact, I rigged up a way to carry her on my bike:
- In the pic, the cat is in the bag on the front of the bike! I cut some holes near the bottom of the bag, which is her official carrier, threaded bungee cords through the holes, and strapped it to the rack. Crazy. I think for this to work correctly, I need a hard-sided (or at least stiffer-sided) carrier. She didn't cry any more than usual. The vest is less than 1/2 a mile from my place and this makes a lot more sense than driving her. It's just a little far to carry a 12 pound cat in a shoulder bag.
- Taken the car for it's 7,500 mile service. The car has 3,900 miles on it.
- While waiting for the car, got a manicure. I am an unregenerate nail-biter but for the last two (or three?) weeks, I've completely stopped biting my nails. I don't know how it happened--but I read something recently that said that nail-biters are seeking order. Something clicked. Being able to understand why I did it, and forgiving myself, made all the difference. Well, at least for now. I've gone a few weeks without biting but it never lasted. The thing I read suggested getting regular manicures. Now, I'm too cheap for that--but maybe once a month? It's not very expensive. And I will still keep the nails short--and use a clear polish--but it's nice to have a little control. Hmm...maybe that's the explanation.
- Eating and drinking--duh.
What has gone wrong:
- I'm clearly not getting the job. They never called me back for a second interview.
- The detail isn't emerging. I don't think it will. I have to decide when I'm leaving.
- That whole great guy thing? Died. So depressing. Regarding that, I talked to a work friend about it and she said, "He wasn't ready." Yes, that's what I'm going to have to go with. The connection was just a bit too intense...and, well, let's not try and read his mind? Suffice it to say, I am certain I won't be hearing from him again.
- My mother is angry at me for not calling so she has told me not to call. Super heavy sigh.
All of this leads to a lot of "poor me" thinking and feeling really rejected and misunderstood. That's funny, right? I feel terribly, terribly misunderstood. By my bosses who don't respect me, by my mother who wants me to be a different person, by that stupid dude who couldn't get on board.
Objectively, I know it's not true. At work, I have people who are so kind and grateful when I give them my time and input. I have friends who agree to go see "Anything Goes" with me--and they don't even know what it is! I have a cat who...loves (?) me--well, I have a cat who I take good care of, which brings some satisfaction. I also have friends who are as shocked as I am about the dude, my mother, and the work nonsense.
I'm also really loving my new bike--it's so much fun to ride. I'm taking a 3-session photography class next week to refresh my skills. I'm still enjoying knitting. I have a job offer on the table and I'm pretty sure I'll be activating it.
Things aren't terrible and I'm sure I'll feel better soon, but I sure haven't been very happy this week. Is it ok if I spend the rest of this beautiful day at home watching Game of Thrones?
Grateful for: friends and perspective.