Turns out, it's hard to stop complaining. I'm so used to talking about my terrible supervisor, I can't get out of the habit (yet). I was happy when I made my decision but I'm back in the doldrums at the moment. I think it won't last...I think this is one of those slow burns. Getting used to the new situation will take some time.
I remember one of those summers I spent in Berkeley with my dad. I think I was 15--but maybe 16. I was so miserable. I was supposed to stay for 8 weeks but they sent me home a week early because I'd turned into a morose lump. When my mom drove me home from the airport, she got angry because I wasn't happy. I tried to explain that it was going to take a little while to get there. I had to get used to being where I wanted to be again. Of course, her yelling helped a lot. Sigh. Not one of her finer moments.
Complaining about my supervisor and being unhappy has become normal for me. I need to start breaking the habit. Yesterday, we had a conversation that I found absolutely infuriating. It embodied all the things I can't stand about her management style--need for excessive amounts of detail due to lack of comprehension, unsupportive position, desire to have more meetings and conversations, general querulousness. Anyway--see, I can't help it! I have NO IDEA how to have these conversations without transmitting my frustration. I can't get that "tone" out of my voice. I can't simply agree. In our convo, I mentioned that I'd talked to TR about the question at hand (not my detail!). She said, "I didn't know that. You can't go talk to TR without letting me know." Wow. Just...wow. Now I can't go talk to other people and get their opinions? I feel like as I start to pull away, she is going to grasp even more tightly for control. I really, really, really need to manage myself. I need to show some g-damn restraint.
I thought it was over, and in large part it is, but this is still a very challenging moment in my life. I will get beyond it and I will be happy.
Grateful for: patience (I will find some).