Apparently, I'm too nice. Diego accused me of this again yesterday after I talked to him about my latest non-romance. I said, "you can't take the nice out of the girl...." I'm not sure what it is that has gotten into me, but it still hasn't displaced the superficial "nice girl" surface that I present. And, as an "old lady" you'd think that youthful, innocent, good-girl patina would be well worn off, but I think it actually sticks around until you enter true old lady/matron territory. But who knows?
My point is that even though my behavior and attitudes are fundamentally different than they were a few years ago--and when I started this blog--I'm still not completely changed (duh). I also have a hard time discussing where I stand on all this. I think I would write more freely if fewer people of my acquaintance read the blog. Then again, I have no idea who is still reading. What if I have secret readers who know me in real life but haven't revealed themselves? This is why I write rather elliptically about sex-type stuff. But it's not the only reason. I TALK elliptically about it too.
The most read post on this blog is "how not to have sex." I think what I wrote is still true--that if one wanted to avoid having sex the strategy would still work. But I would never write that today because I don't know why you would want to avoid having sex. I mean, if you're with a person you like, and you have the desire, why not? I used to be concerned with virtue even though I hated the concept. I used to think it mattered how many people I slept with. I used to feel bad about not marrying the first guy I had sex with and that subsequent partners were somehow "less than." (I was totally nuts about that guy, so most of the regret is about that.) Over the last year or two, all those worries seem to have dropped away. I don't think it matters if I've had sex with a lot of people--I am still the same person. My capacity for love isn't in jeopardy, my body isn't harmed, and I'm not jaded and cynical. What difference does it make?
The key is that you shouldn't feel sorted or cheap. You should do what you need to do to retain your self-respect. If that means you carefully screen the people you sleep with, that you only sleep with boyfriends, or you have a rule about how many dates you must go on before sex, then that's fine. I say do what works for you. I've found that I have to like the person before anything more intimate can happen. I don't need to be in love or have decided if we have a future together. The reasons why I avoided more casual encounters in the past was that I didn't trust myself to not mistake something fun for something serious. I trust myself to make that distinction now and if I think I can't, then I will slowly back away.
My ideal world would still involve a long-term romantic relationship with a man, but the world I'm living in now is a lot more fun and easy going than the old one and I certainly prefer it.
Grateful for: a new perspective.
PS I have some doubts about publishing this, but what the hell. Judge away!