Corn

Corn

I am in Lincoln, Nebraska. I know I’ve been to Nebraska before but not Lincoln. Not to mention that I have no memory of my previous visit—but it must have been when I was 12 and was driving across the country with my mom, on our way to Seattle.  I think we went through Omaha.  I was supposed to get here last night, but the flight I was supposed to take was delayed—by more than five hours. I would’ve missed my connection and since there was an early morning option available today, that’s what I took, rather than spending hours at the airport and risk not even getting to Chicago. Anyway, it worked just fine since I was able to squeeze in a movie with C-money. 

Because I had to get up at 4:30am I went to bed early, though I didn’t fall asleep before 11pm.  Oh well. I decided to drive the airport and leave my car in the “economy” lot. It will actually end up being a bit cheaper than taking cabs and I got to drive my car. I would’ve had to order the cab the night before, which is fine but kind of a pain and still not a guarantee.  The security line at 5:20 am was a bit nuts, but I made my flight, I made it to Lincoln, and now I’m killing time until lunch and then the meeting I’m here for.

My life is just full of work angst. There are some extenuating circumstances keeping me on edge, which is really unfortunate. Life is hard enough without one’s incredibly tone-deaf boss’s boss telling you that you are not to be trusted in stressful presentation situations. Sigh. I am, apparently, bad at improvising. I have to say that I categorically disagree. I wonder how he and I can hold such opposite views of my skill set. I think I’m really good on the fly, taking questions, and having some back and forth. According to this guy, he’s seen me go all "Lord Voldemort" (what does that really mean??) and he needs me to be cautious. Clearly, there is something wrong, and there is something wrong with me that is holding me back from being at a supervisor level. But really? I don’t lose it under pressure, I don’t misspeak, or misrepresent. That isn’t my problem. And this guy. This guy! He is the worst supervisor type ever! He is not my role model, clearly, especially since all he can do is tell me that there is a problem, but not explain it or help me.  He gave an example of my problem behavior that was completely bizarre and didn’t seem to demonstrate his point—but he wouldn’t really explain so I was completely lost. Lord. What is wrong with me? With them? What did I do to deserve this treatment? I am working so hard and doing really a fine job overall, it’s absolutely infuriating to be called out for stuff that isn’t even real. If there’s a real problem, make some time, talk to me, walk me through it, give me some tools or solutions. Don’t ambush me in a meeting and call me names.

I’m trying to be open to change and hearing what my issues are even though I’m feeling super resistant to this message. I don’t know if I can grow and change, but maybe I can. I want to try and learn. But I don’t want to be insulted or called names or cautioned against a kind of behavior I’ve never engaged in.

Anyway. Lincoln. It’s kind of a small city but looks nice. Big wide open streets. Friendly, terribly helpful people. A little breeze and a lot of heat coming. 

Grateful for: a few days away from the office.