Beneficent

The other day I was walking down the hall at work and I saw my ex-bf, the one who now works on the same floor as me.  He's the one who recently told me that he was glad we could be friends now and wished we'd never dated (meant in the nicest possible way of course!).  Anyway, I saw him and I felt kindly towards him--like, "Oh, there's old Joe, how nice to see him."  But I just said "Hi Joe" (not his real name) and kept on walking. I think I felt good because I told him to leave me alone, to stop asking me to coffee and that what he'd said was unkind and unnecessary and made me feel bad. He did leave me alone after that and it means that all subsequent interactions are on my terms.  I remember this feeling with my important grad-school bf, the one time I showed up in NY at his student office and took him completely by surprise.  He hustled me out of there but fast! I still loved the feeling I got from making the call about whether or not to see him completely on my own, not consulting him or asking his permission or giving him a chance to blow me off.  I need to being in charge of that interaction and it's been easier making plans with him since then. Heck, at this point, I probably could be friends with the ex down the hall--but it would be far too much trouble.

Work is crazy busy right now.  I may also soon get a solution to the bad supervisor problem.  Can you believe it? I asked to keep my same work portfolio but transfer to a different division.  It looks like this may happen.  The potential new supervisor bought me lunch the other day and basically interviewed me about what I like and dislike in a supervisor.  No pressure!  I'm cautiously optimistic.  Then again, I have three more jobs that I intend to apply to--so I'm keeping all my options open.

I said to a friend recently, "You can't sacrifice your personal happiness for work." Then I heard myself.  Of course you CAN do that but it's a terrible thing--and it's what I've been doing. No more.  I am still plotting my exit strategy, potential new supervisor notwithstanding.

In more work nonsense, I was supposed to go to a conference for work next week--in Seattle!--to talk about a study I'm managing. Or so I thought. It turned out that I was put on a panel covering a highly political issue.  I am a civil servant, not a politician, and it could potentially hurt us (me, my study, my organization) if I made a mistep.  So, I was told to decline the invite and cancel the trip.  I sent an email apologizing to the person who invited me to the meeting and then I canceled the trip.  Now it turns out the person who invited me was blindsided by other folks in her organizaiton and she had no idea they were sticking me on this panel. She wants to move me to another session where I can simply present information and answer questions about the study I'm managing.  I like her. Maybe I jumped the gun on canceling my plane ticket! Sigh.  Sometimes it feels like I can't win.  UPDATE: No, still not going.  The lady who invited me is really nice and really clueless.  She didn't realize that it was putting me in the middle of a hornet's next.  Ah well. 

Grateful for: lots to do and think about.