Five years. That's how long it's been since I was in Berkeley. How absurd that my mom was sad about my not spending more time in Seattle when I hardly every come to CA. Anyway.
I've been thinking about what I want. What do I really like to do? What would be my ideal job? I'm pretty sure that even if I had a wonderful boss and no issues with our contracting office, my job still wouldn't be it. It would be close because it has some larger social meaning, which is important to me and is what set me on my career path. I also like the concreteness of it...except it doesn't really have that. Not really. That's what drew me to demography and away from English. But I'm not doing demography anymore, not really.
When I lived in France, I spent all my time knitting, reading and watching tv/movies. I also traveled, walked around a lot and saw a lot of old movies. I was quite content if occasionally lonely. I was rarely lonely long and I didn't feel bad about the lack of direction or meaning in my pursuits. I didn't seriously try to write, which is what I always thought I wanted to do. In fact, it's still what I think I want to do but not what I'm doing. I also love the knitting, but, ultimately, I think it's a distraction. If I spent half the time writing as I do knitting, I'd have a book or two by now. But it uses a completely different brain space, one that is pretty used up after a stressful time at work.
When I managed to go to the gym a few days in row the other week, I felt much better. But how do I manage in any given day to put in a full eight hours, go to the gym, knit, write, cook dinner and manage to sleep? Not to mention occasional socializing. Work just takes up too much time.
I'm going to keep thinking about this and try and enjoy my family time. Wish me luck.
Grateful for: time to think.