Friday, October 01, 2010

So many ways

Back when I was a teenager and going crazy about boy stuff, the ways in which I could make a fool of myself were limited. I could call. I could stalk--and by stalk I mean: frequent places where I might run into the boy in question. I did a lot of calling and hanging up in my day, which is basically impossible now with the caller id. If guys call me obsessively these days, I know it and I judge them for it. Then again, they're not 16. I don't do that anymore because I like to keep my obsessive tendencies well hidden.

My non-thing with the moving to Paris dude is definitely not happening. I know because he's a bad decider and he made his decision by his inaction. I KNOW what the deal is. Then why do I long to contact him? Why do I so desire to make a fool of myself? And of all the potential methods, which should I choose? If I call, he'll know it. I can call and not leave a message, I can call and leave a message. I can text. I can email and I can instant message. (I can call anonymously too, which is a little tempting--would he answer if he didn't know it was me? Ouch!)

What a variety of options for foolhearty souls such as myself. I'm going to eliminate calling. I don't know what I would say if he answered the phone. I wouldn't leave a message and I'm not going to call just so he can see my number on his screen.

That leaves the textual options. Texting is appealing. If I could say the right thing, it would keep me from rambling on and on. Yet, a text can be mighty ambigous. IMing is iffy--he did answer my one IM, saying he'd get back to me, and then he never did. That lonely little message just hung out there, never resumed. No on the IM option.

It has to be email. Our email track record is good. I could write a line or two, in the interest of air-clearing and be done. It's fairly likely that he would answer, which is the point, and that might provide some satisfaction.

Then again, it might not. Even if he were to answer, what could he possibly say that I would find satisfactory? He doesn't want to see me and if he changes his mind because I reached out--well, what about my self-respect? In what scenario do I see him again that would preserve my self-respect? None that I can imagine. So,the purpose of the email would be to elicit an apology. I do want an apology and I think that would make me feel better, but I'll get on without one. My dirty secret: I want him to try and talk me into getting together again. I want him to make an argument so convincing that I will agree to see him. And then I want us to go out and have a great time, where I'm not snarky about what happened, and he's utterly charming and it's totally worth it even though we only have a few potential days to spend together. I am almost certain it won't happen, but if I write him an email, he'll know I'm receptive to it. Perhaps that's the reason? What a terrible reason!

Goddamn, I am a hopeless romantic.

Grateful for: knowing how hopeless I am.


  1. J: One of many reasons I enjoy reading your blog is because of your emotional honesty. I probably would be hiding behing the facade of "Next!" while secretly thinking about him all of the time, including fantasizing about the requisite happy romantic comedy ending... even though I ain't no Sandra Bullock. K

  2. As Mara used to say, nothing is more attractive than the scent of someone who's leaving. I got nothin' beyond that.

  3. Also, my verification word for the above comment was "prober". Interesting.

  4. CK: Thank you. Sometimes, you have to fake it make it...and "next" is legit, and I'm almost there for real. :)

    KJ: Yep, but also, I don't CARE that he's leaving. You know, sometimes a girl just wants to have fun. No chance of that so we're on to maudlin. Annoying.


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