Friday, September 24, 2010

Bad to worse

People, let me tell you, this is a crappy day. My boss is NUTS. She is blocking us from getting a mini-fridge in our office because ONE person is worried that it might cause too much foot traffic by his desk. He is near the copier and water cooler, so it wouldn't seem that adding a fridge would make that much difference. I respect his feelings, but he's not interested in blocking this. The boss is using him as an excuse. Then more craziness with an outside office. And my computer freezes.

And the boy. Now, I shouldn't say "boy" because I finally met someone who is OLDER than me (by five years). Can you believe it? He also didn't think we should see each other again due to the terrbile timing. He even said, "It might be different if I'd met you in August." Indeed. It is a shame that we didn't meet earlier, but even in August, there would still have been a clock and OH WELL.

Last night, after an extensive phone conversation, on many matters completely unrelated to state of our non-relationship, he did ask me out again. I didn't try very hard to convince him, since that's not my game, but I did make a pitch for "fun." I also said, "There are no rules, that's the advantage of having a timetable." I think he liked that and was finally able to make a tentative plan because he's worried about committing to a specific time--having no rules makes that ok. He has a lot of work and packing to squeeze into the next couple of days--and then the next couple of weeks--and he can't put it off in order to see me. Fair enough.

It's pretty clear that he wanted to see me again but couldn't quite handle the prospect of a new relationship. I choose to take that as a compliment. I'm someone he could imagine having a "real" relationship with, under other circumstances, and it's too complicated to get into something like that when you're about to leave for a year in Paris. I completely agree with that sentiment, though it wouldn't stop me. But I'm an idiot. Then again, maybe he doesn't like me enough to take the risk.

In the end, I don't think my reassurances of "fun" were what convinced him it was worth the risk to see me again. We were on the phone for nearly two hours (WTF?) and I did A LOT of talking. He egged me on, asked questions, followed me down all the tangients, asked if I'd ever written down the stories (oh, little does he know)...I think that's what did it. He was entranced by my story telling. He does have a degree in literature and studied a theater company, so you can see how he might be attracted to a performer such as myself. I know you only read my words so you don't get the full effect, but let me tell you, my real forte is spoken word. I am a story teller first and a writer second. And here is someone, someone who by his own admission loves to talk, who couldn't stop listening to me. Oh dear.

Last thing, I want to ask, in all seriousness, what the hell is wrong with me? From A to...C (I'd say Z, but we've only had two meetings and one long phone call) in this situation, I have been a big ol' fool.  Why do I either 1) fall for guys who are unavailable or 2) get involved with guys who I don't like enough? That seems to be the pattern. Kent--unavailable. Curt--not enough affection (and serious personality incompatibility). I think I could go on like this, easily slipping all exes into these two categories. And with the #2 fellas, I sometimes tried really hard to make things work. I pushed and tolerated and stuck around as long as I could stand it. And, sometimes they broke up with me, but only because I was trying so hard and I didn't want to be the quitter.

Is this my pattern? Is this my problem? If so, what is behind it? And how do I fix it? I need help.

Grateful for: pattern recognition (perhaps).

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