Wednesday, July 22, 2009


To quote, "You can choose what you do; you can't choose what you LIKE to do."

Damn, that is my life in a nutshell. I have chosen to do what I think I should do. Something reasonably interesting, reasonably worthwhile. and reasonably financially secure. I put myself on a track and I chugged steadily ahead. Others may have doubted that I would finish (my PhD) but anyone who really knows me knew I would finish, eventually. When I make a plan, I stay with the plan. I decide and then I do. Even when I should quit, I rarely do. I don't like to change plans. I don't know why that is but when I get set, I go and there is almost no way to stop me.

So, I started to think, what do I LIKE to do?
  • Read. Need to do more of that.
  • Write. Need to do a LOT more of that.
  • Be visually entertained, movies, tv--to a point.
  • Talk. I like to tell stories.
  • Listen. I like to hear stories.
  • Explain. My current joke about work is that I am happy when I get to expound. 
  • Tell. I like to give advice.
  • Work! I like the feeling of being productive, accomplishing something, being appreciated.
  • Knit. Knit. Knit.
  • Puzzles. I am a problem solver. I enjoy logical tasks like making schedules and writing code.

I am frustratingly obviously in the wrong career. What the fuck do I do about that?

It would make me very happy if I could quit my job. It is so impractical that I don't want to consider it, but that's my fantasy. Even if I did start writing something (a HUGE if) and were actually able to sell it (again, HUGE), I still can't imagine making a living at it. Which is why I've never pursued a writing career. Thus, the real thing holding my back is plain old fear. Argh.

I know the answer is to: WRITE MORE (in my free time). Pursue my hobby and keep my job. I have never been able to do that (except for the blog). A good question is, why didn't I use my time in Paris for writing? Well, I don't feel too bad about that--I needed a real break and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was supposed to be a true holiday, not a working holiday. Yes, I did have it in the back of my mind that I would write, but I'd also decided to forgive myself if I didn't. I am forgiven.

But now what?

Grateful for: time.

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