Saturday, May 16, 2009


Again, no details, but the Thursday night date with...Curt (that's the name)? It went well. Heck, it's insane, but it almost feels like he's my boyfriend. Almost--but not quite. As much as I want that, as much as I would like him to be my boyfriend, I am plain not ready. Crazy. When have I ever not been ready for a boyfriend? Yet, I feel the need for some reassurance that he will stick around. Ah, lovely conflicting emotions.

It feels like a critical relationship moment. We've established that we like each other, we're friends, we get along great, we have good chemistry and we're comfortable together. We have points of political difference (in extreme!) but our discussions are civilized and humorous. I really like him. He's worth the trouble. I'm afraid that my getting ready is tinged with neediness and anxiety. Isn't it odd that I was so ready NOT to have a boyfriend a few days ago and now I'm afraid I'm going to push, push, push my way into or OUT of the next possible relationship?

The answer? Relax. Lighten up. Have fun. Don't push. Why would I push? Same reason as always: I want to know. I want to be sure. But it doesn't work that way.

It's just--I feel so darn out of practice. With Kent, it was so much easier! We started with him moving in and with no future expectations. We ended far apart with lots of (foolish) expectations. But in the beginning, I knew where he was, I never had to wait for him to call, I never had to wonder if he were going to stick around. I was calm, happy and never anxious with him. With Curt, I don't feel the anxiety, so that's good. That's great. I just need to completely stop with the semi-worry.

I'll get there. I can do it.

Grateful for: patience.

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