Friday, January 23, 2009


I promised myself that I'd be more consistent in my writing here. I admire folks who post every day. I seem to be incapable of not making a big production out of writing. I type into Word. I paste into an editor. I proof read, once, twice, thrice. I have to have a story, a theme, an idea. Sounds like work, doesn't it?

Well, today, I'm about to clear out and go home. I feel like such a hermit these days even though I'm friendly to everyone at work and even went to the blogger meetup on Wednesday. I want to go home and hunker down with the tv and my knitting and the cat (oy!). But I also want to stop someplace on the way home and have a beer and chat with someone at the bar and then go home and do all of the above. Sadly, there is no bar conveniently on the way home. No cozy spot, three blocks away that won't interfere with the flow of getting home and quickly settling in to doing nothing. (A place opened up less than a block away from last year: it is now closed for renovations--maybe when they're up and running again, it will be my place.)

So, I'm undecided about what to do tonight. Not a movie, for sure. A walk home? Perhaps. I know--see if TR wants to walk home with me. That sort of counts!

He's in! I'll wrap this up while I await his call.


Now, I don't want to get too relationship-angsty, especially because I've mostly avoided that on the blog (and in real life) as regards Kent. But, boy, it is getting harder and harder. I didn't know what to expect and I'd forgotten what it was like to be in a long distance...whatever. It is no fun. It is a bit painful. And, I'm still waiting on an email from, Kent, don't read this because it's all the stuff I'm not sure I should say to you directly.

I keep going around and around it in my head: he's busy, he's having fun, he has some short bursts of time at the computer but not the time, energy, or whatever to write a real email. You know, when that's the case, I'd appreciate a short note just to let me know that he got my last message and that he has to prioritize other things now. He gets to use his internet time to connect with friends, take care of business or just fool around--of course. But it feels bad when I know he could have communicated with me and didn't. Yet what is reasonable to expect? I don't know.

I feel a little stuck. Do I email him and tell him? "I understand but please let me know you got my last message"? Or something like, "It really hurts when you don't write." Or do I try and convince myself that it's no big deal and give him time to contact me...which I'm about 100% sure he will, eventually. And, hey, if he is distancing himself and wants things to end, well, I have to accept that too. It's not what I want, but I would much prefer if he'd just tell me because instead what I do is wait.

Wait. Waiting is the problem. Waiting is what I need NOT to do, what I don't want to do. Waiting is what I don't know how to avoid.

So, home, knitting, leftovers, tv, cat. Outings during the day on Saturday and Sunday. A walk, yoga perhaps, marketing, a bike ride if it's nice, a trip to my favorite coffee shop, some marketing, a movie. Even if I do most of it on my own, I'll have a good weekend. And I hope you do too!


Grateful for: time and choices.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Anonymous comments will be rejected. You don't have to use your real name, just A name. No URL is required; enter your name and leave the 'url' line blank. Thank you.