Monday, December 03, 2007

No party

I'm getting a little sick of myself for wanting to start every post with "I'm all over the place." It's only a tiny half-step from there to "ramblings on my life." I love that I have a theme, some focus and a gimmick. But, in real life, I have none of that. And on the blog? I still have the gimmick (gratitude), but the theme has gone by the way, as I am currently in a semi-self-imposed (feels better to think of it that way) dating hiatus. It is probably safe to assume that this is not a permanent hiatus…or is it? Yes, that's about where I am with dating these days. Missing it, yet quite grateful to be living my relatively angst-free life.

It's not 100% angst free. I don't think I realized this until recently, but angst-free doesn't mean emotion or frustration free.

By the end of my long, lazy weekend, I was almost fully recovered from my illness. That's the good news.

The bad news is that I wasn't very social. I didn't got to the Friday party. But the rest I had was worth it. On Saturday, I planned to go to a movie and ship scarves. I did one of those things. Seriously, I left the house fully intending to go to the movies, but I decided not to. Nothing playing appealed to me. I don't know what's wrong with me! Instead, I mailed scarves to Israel ($20!!!) and ate some so-so Union Station food and then sat in a coffee shop and read. It wasn't exactly social but at least I was around people. Other than sales people, my only human interaction was with a young woman who wanted my seat at the coffee shop. She said, "I know this is a strange thing to ask, but, um, I'm here with a friend and we wondered if we could have your seat? You see, there are two chairs here and we'd like to sit together."

I was not pleased. I was sitting in an "easy" chair next to a small side table. Next to me was an empty easy chair. Two friends or two strangers could share the space but I was currently alone.

As I looked around the shop, I said, "Where do you want me to move?" But I didn't say it nicely. I was surly. I did not want to move. I was comfortable.

She was somewhat taken aback by my answer and said, "Oh no, never mind! We'll figure it out!"

So much for socializing on Saturday.

On Sunday, I headed out to 1) put gas in the car, 2) watch the football game and, 3) visit a craft store.

I succeeded in all three goals. But, you know, I was not very happy. First of all, I listened to the Sean Taylor tribute on the radio on my way to watch the game and, while I wasn't sobbing (I don't do that), I was sad and teary. What gets me is that a 24-year-old guy with an 18-month-old daughter was murdered. He just happened to be famous. That doesn't make it any less sad, though.

The bar where I watched the game seemed particularly quiet. It's not like people didn't cheer. We cheered. And some people were watching other games as well. But it was definitely a more somber atmosphere than your typical game day.

On the sports side, I have to say, I have never seen a team come up with as many ways to lose as the Redskins. Ridiculous.

After that saddest of sad games, I almost didn't find my car in the labyrinth parking garage. I wanted to yell and scream but I made do with muttering. I headed south to the store of my intention and I found it, though the drive in the rain wasn't much fun.

In the huge store, I got zero help from the staff. In fact, I saw no staff on the floor at all. When I finally asked a question of someone at the register, she sent me to the wrong aisle. I gave up and got what I needed at CVS. Ridiculous. (I did buy a few things there, just not everything, so the trip wasn't entirely in vain.)

When I got home, TR had left a message inviting me to dinner on my home answering machine. I'd missed it by an hour. What a shame! I could have used the conversation.

I also got a call inviting me to a memorial service for an old family friend. I'm going. I'm driving. I just need to figure out exactly where it is I'm driving to.

Today, I got in an argument with TR about stupid work stuff. Maybe argument is too strong a word. I wrote a memo. I sent it to TR and old boss, Larry. TR had helpful comments. I incorporated them. Then TR came into my office and said I needed to add this and that and send it here and there for approval. I said, "That's not the purpose of this memo." I was short with him and very annoyed. He walked off saying, "Think about it and let me know how YOU want to handle it."

I sent another email to TR and Larry. Then Larry came by, "You seem frustrated about this."

I said I was. I'm in this ridiculous situation, not of TR's making, were we are…well, I don't think I should discuss it, actually, but it's a unique situation and no one quite knows which t's should be crossed or which i's dotted. Larry was with me, TR wasn't, but we all fundamentally agree that the situation is absurd.

It's infuriating because a lot of work I did, which is work that should have been done by the contractor to begin with, is all (more or less) going to waste and every time I think about it, I want to scream. The work was so difficult and unsatisfying and frustrating and now it feels like it was all for nothing and what the hell is this job about anyway?

Later this afternoon, Larry poked his head in my office again and asked if I were applying to this particular up and coming management/leadership type training program. I am eligible and I did consider it. I even talked to TR about it. My read is that TR discouraged me from applying. The deadline is TOMORROW.

Now I wonder, should I apply? Is there even time to apply? Then again, this leadership training is the type of thing that is hateful to me in every way. But it would prepare me for a move up to administrative/supervisory responsibility. Do I want that? I have no idea. Should I pursue advancement when what I would most like to do is run far, far away from this job? But I'm not running, I'm making a decision by not making a decision. If I apply for this program, I'm making a decision that I want my permanent career to be here. That scares me.

All of this is making me feel ill. Dead young men with little children, memorial services for my father's friends, permanent type career decisions. It's all just a little too real, isn't it? And not a single satisfactory movie to which I can escape. No wonder I'm all over the place.

Grateful for: my life to live.

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