Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Old times

I'm poking around on facebook yesterday, as is my wont, and I send a couple of friend requests to old, old friends, including my first serious boyfriend, Grant. I was crazy about that guy. We don't stay in touch but there are no hard feelings. We did see each other a few times in the years following our break up because he lives in CA, near my dad. But, there's no real effort to stay in touch and that's fine. The last time I emailed was when I'd be visiting Dad and I suggested we get together. Grant's response was that he'd be in Seattle while I was in CA and, oh, he'd gotten married. Hooray!

I wasn't too broken up about it. I wasn't harboring any illusions that we'd end up together (I had someone else to hang that hope on) and, of course, I wasn't surprised. He's a sweetheart and there was no way he'd be single forever. Not like me.

See, see that? The self-pity is almost palpable. And why?

Today, I hear back from Grant and he's added me as a friend. And the part where you say how you know each other? He's filled in, "You dated in 1988." It's sweet that he chose that option. If it were up to me I would have put that we went to college together, which is also true.

That led me to send him a short email. He responded almost right away. He's still married and has a little kid. So far so good. He sent me a link to some family pictures. And that's when it got me.

There's Grant, looking the same as he did nearly 20 years ago, holding a beautiful toddler. Aww! I'm fine.

It's the last pic, with Grant, his wife, curled up on the sofa, looking lovingly at the kid that pushes me over the edge. I can't take it. I'm not grateful. I'm sad. Very sad. I have no regrets about Grant. If it were up to me, I'd be married to him today and it would be us curled up on the sofa, looking at our lovely little kid.

And yet, I have no reason to feel bad. He broke up with me! He didn't "feel that way" about me! I didn't do anything wrong. Maybe that's why it hurts. Still.

Sigh. Back to being happily single tomorrow. I hope.

P.S. I spent a second day home sick, which probably contributed to my maudlin mood. Thanks to the couple of people who kept me IM company yesterday. I really appreciate it.

Grateful for: memories.

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