Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Out of hand

Since I last wrote, things got unreasonable with SL.

Given that we haven't spoken for over a week, I don't know how this happened. Somehow, things got tense in our fictional relationship and SL finally came to the breaking point with me and had to let me know.

I definitely came to the breaking point with him. I sent him the last email I ever plan on sending him at noon.

He wrote back demanding more explanations and I didn't respond.

Let's back up for a second. The emails he sent over the last week were chatty and friendly and short. No asking out on dates (unlike the week before) and some giving of advice on how to play soccer (which I appreciated). His last message, sent on Friday, was a little disturbing because he said he missed arguing with me. I didn't answer it.

Then he called three times on Saturday night. I didn't answer or call him back.

Then a plaintive email on Monday. I answered it, briefly.

He didn't like my answer and sent a querulous reply. Then he called on Monday night and left a message. I didn't respond to the email or the call.

Today, I was planning to send him an email. A goodbye email. I made a couple of abortive tries composing it, but couldn't figure out how to say "I don't want to see you because you are pressuring me" in a nice way.

Before I finished composing my message, he sent a very long email with the subject line "bad night." It became clear that my behavior was the cause of his bad night.

That's when I actually got upset. He said a bunch of borderline nasty things (suggested that I suspected him of pursuing me for my money or my legal status) and it made me feel ill. And, I was even more upset because, this level of angst over a non-situation? How did it get this far? I quickly finished composing my final email to him.

I sent it and, as far as I'm concerned, we're done.

What have I learned?

Playing hard to get works, but only when you don't want it to.

It's hard for some people to take no for an answer and impossible for those people to read between the lines.

When you are the subject of an unwanted pursuit, that's when you have to give a firm no.

I actually liked this guy and wanted to give him a chance. I thought we might have a friendly email thing. I didn't think we'd actually become friends, but maybe friendly, eventually, if he could back off. But he couldn't back off and as soon as that became 100% clear to me, I said goodbye.

Anyway, the best thing about this mini-drama is that I have a few ideas for new "dating guidelines" posts. I know! It's been too long! The topics will be something like, "how to say no," "when to say no" and "whether or not to pursue." I will reveal all the subtle ways in which I tell someone I'm not interested. My methods are probably quite common and will be very, very helpful to all of my male readers, I'm sure.

Grateful for: lessons and ideas.

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