Wednesday, May 16, 2007


I've assiduously avoided going into detail about the problem with Kansas, but that problem was finally our undoing. I grew weary of the kind of non-relationship, pseudo friendship we were having. Over the last couple of weeks, I got no satisfaction from it at all--neither a friendly ear nor a companion.

The last straw, I think, was when he called at 2am last Sunday, the night before what turned out to be the last day of deliberations. Most other nights, I've had the phone on silent. The phone woke me because I never thought he'd do the middle of the night call on a Sunday. I'll never know what inspired it because I didn't answer. I wasn't even tempted. I did get out of bed to look at the phone, though. I saw his name, shook my head, and silenced the phone. Good thing, too, because he called again about 20 minutes later. Sigh.

In the past, I'd email him the morning after such an offence and demand an apology. I wasn't tempted to do that this time. Enough.

I didn't hear from him again until Tuesday. He sent this message, "Is there a verdict yet?" I answered, "Yes." He wrote again, asked if I was back at work and shared a line or two about a mutual friend.

I didn't know how to respond. I was angry but exhausted. I was in no mood to bitch at him but I found his behavior completely unacceptable and completely inconsiderate. No mention of the call, which really disturbed my sleep, no mention of the money (a small but not negligible amount) he owes me. Nothing. Just, hey, how's it going, like everything was fine. Like, maybe he was in a lousy mood last week and didn't feel like being in touch, so I don't hear from him for a week. Great. What about what I want? That was the whole tenor of the "friendship"--much more on his terms than mine. And I didn't want to play anymore. I'd like to say I took the next step completely independently, but I needed some advice from work friend, Nancy. We talked for a few minutes, which helped me clarify my thoughts. Then, I sent him this message:
This is awkward but I think I need to tell you know I want to be friends. I thought we could work it out. Now, I'm not so sure. You only seem to be available via email or late night calls...and that just doesn't work for me. I would like to have you as a friend--I've enjoyed a lot of our time together--but if I'm only going to talk to you or see you when you're drinking, I'm not interested. Endless emailing has only a limited appeal. I think you're a great guy but I also think you need to get some help.
A couple of minutes later, Kansas sent this response:
Nice. Adios.
And that is the end of the story. I left the door open a crack and it was his choice to slam it shut. I was sad yesterday, but not tempted to respond. I'm even less tempted to respond today. Nancy thinks I'll hear from him again and that would be fine. I'm glad I made it clear what was acceptable, even if he can't accept it.

Grateful for: choices.

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