Friday, April 06, 2007

I'm back

I got back on Tuesday, but getting back into the groove of everything is especially difficult when my life is completely out of its groove due to jury duty. Don't get me wrong, I'm still digging the trial and enjoying the opportunity to serve, but it makes a long day that has room for not much else than listening and note taking. When I get home, I read some blogs, knit like crazy (yes, still), eat and watch a little tv. There is time for more--like seeing movies or having drinks with friends, but I don't have the energy.

I worked up a long rambly piece with dialog about Kansas, but now I think it's a little dull and not to the point. Basically, I chronicled my frustration with him and his caretaking of Tabitha (the cat). Short story: he reluctantly agreed to feed the cat, but did a very considerate job of it. He was there on Saturday, Sunday AND Monday and even hung around a little on Saturday and tried to play with her. She wasn't interested in playing (must eat now), but it was kind of him to try. He also drank all my club soda, set off the alarm, and scooped the litter box. He seemed especially proud about the litter box scooping since he'd threatened not to do it, but in the end, he came through.

I didn't see him before I left last Thursday. I got confused after he visited me last Monday. I thought I'd see him before I went out of town. I forgot to remember that expecting things from him doesn't work. I was annoyed and had to keep my temper in check when I asked him to watch the cat.

When I got back, though, I forgot to be angry. I have things back in perspective. I considered cutting him off 100%. Just saying, no more of this foolishness. I'm pretty sure that's where I'll end up. I wondered why it's so hard to make a decision. As we all know, I like a challenge. But this isn't a challenge. There is no room for "success." But it is safe. There is basically a 100% chance that he won't be my boyfriend. He won't make me a priority, he won't make plans with me, he won't change anything for anyone--thus, zero boyfriend potential. So, I can screw up all I like and it won't matter. It's funny, though, knowing that doesn't stop me from worrying about upsetting him. Hard to break those old patterns of thought.

But you know what's crazy? As far as his priorities go, I'm pretty high up there. I'd say, among his friends, I'm number two on the list. I'm the number one person he calls if he's feeling lonely. I'd be the number one person he emailed, but my growing intolerance for that has lessened the email flow (that, and being on jury duty means I can't check email during the day). I've actually started calling him because I'm sick of the email routine. Sometimes he answers and sometimes he doesn't. He doesn't like it, but he doesn't want to shut me out either.

Last night, I called him and he didn't answer. I didn't leave a message--I never have, unless it was about Tabitha. He sees my number and may or may not call back. Last night, he called back. He invited me over. I'd thought that might happen, so for the first time ever, I said yes. (We've spent the night together before, but he usually comes to my place. And it's strictly PG-rated.) At about 10:30, I got on my bike and was there in less than ten minutes. I have today off from jury duty and being sleep deprived at the office is no problem. (Ironically, work lets out early today, but I'm going to stay a bit later to get a few things done.)

When I got there, he was in bed and I climbed in and got close to him. We mostly talked. I had my arm across his chest and when I lifted it to gesture, he would grab it and pull it back down. It's that proximity that we both like, but there are reasons not to take things further. It makes for a peculiar situation--we both agree on that.

I'd already figured out I was high on his priority list, but he confirmed it last night when he told me he'd picked up some good baseball tickets. "First, they go to Dad, if he's here, then you, then Jamie." He has this friend, whose name sound very similar to mine (something like "Jamie Bar"), so when he said that, I wasn't sure if I was second or third in the ticket-giving-out-order. I said, "First Dad, then Jamie, then me?"

"No, no, you're second--of course! You'd be first, but Dad, I have to take Dad to the ball park if he wants to go."

"Of course." I said.

How I made it to second on this list, I'll never know.

As you may also recall, I had a run-in with a car door the other week. It left some impressive bruises on my leg and a spectacular one on my ankle. When Kansas got up to go to the bathroom, I said, "I have to show you my bruise!"

He shouted from the other room, "Can't I just say 'aww' from here?"

"You can, but you have to see it too." I turned on the light and when he came back to the bedroom, he put my calf in his lap and examined my ankle.

"Wow. That's a beauty."

I said, "It's something, isn't it?"

"It's...I had no idea. It's a beauty." Kansas said.

"What, you didn't think it would be so big?"

"No, I sure didn't."

"Are you impressed now that I got on my bike and rode away?"

"I am. It must have hurt."

I said, "Actually, I was so full of adrenaline, I didn't feel anything. That's probably why I could ride away."

We turned off the light and got a little sleep.

I feel foolish for continuing any kind of relationship with Kansas. He's like a placeholder. That's not very nice, is it? He must know it on some level too, though, because it's clear that I'm not as screwed up as he is and he's resisting any attempts I make to "regularize" things. He's even said (written) that he doesn't know why I like him. Hell, I don't know why either. But, as I've said before, if I'm going to engage with him, I should just let myself enjoy it and stop thinking so much. Or just stop. It's really not that complicated.

Looks like I ended up telling a long rambly Kansas story despite myself. I suppose it's the story I needed to tell. There's a lot I could say about New Jersey, but it can wait until tomorrow.

Happy Easter and a good weekend to everyone!

Grateful for: home.

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