Monday night, I was sitting in front of the tv, in my pjs, knitting. I'm always knitting these days. It was about 9:30pm and I heard a strange noise coming from my front window. I got up and peeked out. I heard the noise again, looked down, and there was Kansas, standing in my front yard. He needs to learn to use the doorbell. He would have called…but he didn't have my number (see below).
I probably shouldn't have let him in, since we're on the road to Nowhere, via Ambivalentville, but that didn't stop me. Not to mention I hadn't heard a peep from him in five days. He was out of town for the last three, so the silence wasn't astonishing.
We sat on the couch--not next to each other. I didn't keep knitting, though (sometimes I do). He told me he just got back that day and wanted to see me. His phone was broken (that I knew) so he didn't call.
I found I was smiling. I'm a sucker for the, "I was out of town and the first person I wanted to see was you" line. He said it. I ate it up.
As he talked, told me about his trip (a fool's errand, but not my story to tell). I realized I was happy to see him. That surprised me. I thought we were winding down. I thought he was done. It was for the best. I can manage not to pursue things but it's much harder for me to ignore his overtures.
But there he was, making those overtures again, and I responded.
He left before midnight and I even had a decent night's sleep. I was happy to see him but who knows when I'll see him again. I don't like that--everything is on his terms, when HE has time to see me, when HE feels like calling. He told me again that he was a coward and I believe him.
Still, I was happy to see him. I guess I'll do what makes me happy. It sounds easy, doesn't it?
Note: you may wonder why I've broken radio silence on this topic. Mom isn't reading the blog anymore! We finally came to resolution and she accepted that I don't like her to read. She's respecting my wishes, irrational though they may be. I'm emailing her the "mom-safe" items and I can be a little more open in other areas. Very good news indeed.
Grateful for: boundaries.