Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Further thoughts

All the comments on the last post got me kind of energized. There are a few things I want to clarify:

  1. Owen is a great guy and I'm crazy about him. If I didn't have strong feelings for him, I wouldn't get upset when I don't hear from him.

  2. The root of our conflict is the way he prioritizes work in his life (at least during the week). It's great that he's ambitious and works hard. I respect that he wants to advance in his career. Perhaps work is more important to him right now than a romantic relationship--that's something he needs to decide. However, giving attention to important relationships (including friendships) should not be incompatible with a busy work schedule.

  3. I care very much about what Owen wants and needs. I'm working hard to respect his needs without making myself miserable.

  4. I understand that being with Owen hinges on my capacity to accept things as they are. Things may not change. It's up to me to deal with that.

  5. I have no interest in changing Owen. Yes, I'd like him to be more responsive/interactive mid-week. But I don't want to change him fundamentally--I LIKE him. I like his humor, his silliness, his perspective. I like that he's ambitious and loyal and hardworking. When we're together, we have a great time. I don't want that to change.

  6. I don't expect Owen to go overboard. I don't need daily contact. I could care less about ever getting flowers. What I want is to feel close and connected to him. I like to feel connected to my friends too, but, as Pele will tell you, I scale back my expectations when they are very busy with work or other things. There are no recriminations. I do expect more from a boyfriend, maybe too much, and I've scaled back those expectations substantially with Owen already. I trust that Owen and I can find the right balance between his need to focus on work during the week and my need not to feel cut off from him.

  7. I'm happy to accommodate Owen. Many times at the beginning of the evening, I don't know where I'll be sleeping and I don't "demand" that every second of our time together be planned. In this way, I'm flexible. When he agreed to go swing dancing, then canceled to hang out with Frank, I was fine. I went to his company holiday party because it was important to him that I be there, even though I knew I might not enjoy myself (happily, I did enjoy myself). I never complained or made a fuss. Why would I?

  8. I see some give and take as a normal part of a relationship. I'm happy to do him favors and it does not feel burdensome. Heck, he still has half my kitchen, which I loaned him for Thanksgiving. It just seems like not that big a deal.

  9. When Owen and I have talked on the phone during the week, it was FINE. He liked talking to me. And I felt better.

  10. I am done talking about this with Owen. I can't stand it. I'm bored with the topic and I don't like how it makes me feel. I also don't like that he feels pressured. The last thing I want is to make things more stressful for him (and it seems that I have, which saddens me). So, I'm done. If I'm unhappy with the situation then it's on me to get out or adjust my perspective. I've asked, I've talked, I've explained. There is nothing more I can do and nothing more I should do. More talking only makes this worse.

  11. I have plans tonight, Wednesday and a back-up plan for Friday if it turns out that Owen isn't free. I'm taking care of myself.

  12. Last, this week, so far, I haven't felt the need to call. I did send an email today, but I don't care if he answers or not. If we get together on Friday, that will be enough. Well, I think it will--perhaps you should check back on Thursday to see if I put the lie to that statement.

Grateful for: knowing what I want.

Drop me a line.

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