I need to stop. I'm going to spare you the details of my last off-the-rails conversation with Owen. (Well, I'm going to spare myself the re-telling.) The problem is me, of course. Well, the problem is him too.
The part that is him: he works too much. He is very, super, monstrously, stressed out and busy at work. He has too much work to do, a commute that's too long and no energy left at the end of the day.
The part that is me: I want more connection. I want something that he can't give me--at least not all the time. I get it on the weekends, not during the week. It's hard for me.
He's doing the best he can. I see that. I get it. And then I lose it. Just a little. And it freaks him out. It freaks me out too. I don't want to feel like that. I don't want to act like that.
The solution: I have to back the hell off. I have to accept that this is how it is. I can tolerate it or I can leave. I can't complain, I can't freak out, I can't ask for more. He's maxed out. I'm exhausted.
To that end, tonight I'm doing something with friends. I'll see him tomorrow for his company's holiday party. I will be calm, well-rested and ready to shine in front of the work friends and bosses. They'll love me. He'll love me. We'll have fun and I will relax.
It's getting increasingly hard to write about Owen. It's so odd to have an actual boyfriend and tell stories about him/us. I pretty much still know where to draw the line but I'm not relishing so much scrutiny, especially when it is so critical. I like getting different perspectives and opinions but I don't love so much being called "psycho" or "whiny" or "high-maintenance." I don't love all the advice. I never asked you what I should do. And, dammit, I'm always pretty clear on how I've fucked up. I'm not deluded about my behavior, I am just not able to get it together all the time, perfectly. Folks, please cut me some slack. I would really appreciate it.
Last, to those of you who arrived here via a dating advice blog that put the smack down on yours truly today, please take a minute and read the whole post (below) before weighing in.
I sure don't care for the heavy judgment floating around today. I need a break.
Grateful for: a break. See y'all next week.
Drop me a line.