Nothing was resolved, but I'm in a damn good mood.
I sure hope my mood lasts.
I told Owen about the blog.
Let me tell you about yesterday…Friday.
I expected Owen to call me in the afternoon, but he didn't. I called Pele to vent and after we talked, I was considerably calmed. I knew the main plan was still on so I sent him a text, "Meet you there?" and left the office fifteen minutes later, before he responded. It was a hella long train ride and I even made a wrong turn when I got off the metro. I also got Owen's response to my email: "Yeah." Yeah? Oh yeah? Geez.
We were meeting at Dave and Buster's, which is inside a mall. When I got to the mall, I took my time strolling around, looking into shops. I went to the food court to see if there were anything there I could eat. No luck. It was a little after 8pm and I got a text from Owen, "Where are you?" I wrote back, "I'm in the mall." I went to meet him.
I was feeling so-so, due to the stomach and complete uncertainty about where I stood. Everyone was friendly and happy to see me--including Owen. The group split up and Owen and I stuck together, cheerfully playing video games. I knew I had to talk to him, but say what? After twenty minutes or so, I started: "I need to talk to you." He sat down and said, "What is it?"
"I felt bad when you didn't call me this afternoon."
He cocked his head to one side and looked puzzled. He raised an eyebrow.
I said, "You don't remember, do you?"
"No. We were getting together tonight…so…"
"I was half asleep when we talked."
"Ok. Well, then, that's fine." I laughed. Nervously. "I'm sure there's something else to say, but I can't think of it right now." And we went back to the games. We left fairly early.
Later on, I ended up telling Owen that I had a blog. His reaction? "That's cool. What's it called?"
"I'm not telling you that! I don't want you to read it." I'll tell him…soon.
"I can't read it? Then why did you tell me about it?"
"I had to tell you. And you can read it, I'd just prefer if you didn't."
"Cause there's stuff about you on there. I complain about you…well, really about me."
Then, he made fun of me, "Oh…he didn't call me…"
"Shut up!" And I socked him, gently.
We also talked about the calling, making plans, etc. He said over and over, "Just chill, relax. Relax."
"I want to. I'm trying. I will, eventually. I just need some more time."
"Are you a neurotic basket case?"
"No! I'm a little neurotic, but I'm not a basket case. Look, it's not whether or not you're crazy. It's if you're the right kind of crazy."
"I just need some time, that's all."
"We have plenty of time. See that calendar?" He pointed to the calendar hanging on his wall. "It's not just one day."
Was I hearing that right? He wants me to relax because we have plenty of time? I'm not relaxed because I'm sure he's going to be gone at any moment with no warning. I have no idea why I'm worried about that. Nothing in his behavior suggests it. I think we want the same thing, but we have a different idea of how to get there.
We realized that our neuroses are not exactly complementary. Yet…we're a good match. I love his silliness and humor. We had a good long serious talk, and even though he was joking and singing for half the time, he was happy to talk. We have a major style difference. And we each have our own fears to deal with--the sources of which seem to be independent of our current situation. He's trustworthy, but I still need to know him better and knowing that I can expect to see him would help build that trust. But I do know that I will see him. I need to let go and trust. And so does he! He has to trust that I won't be crazy.
See why I don't want him reading this? It's not that I think I'm crazy. Or that I'm a "neurotic basket case." But to expose the complete thought process to the person I'm dating? Yikes.
Let's put it this way: I can trust that Owen isn't going anywhere until there is an actual problem--say we are fighting a lot or start to annoy each other or find that we plain don't like each other. But, in the meantime, I figure he's going to be around and we'll take whatever time we need to do whatever it is we need to do. We'll keep having our own lives, our own friends and we'll also spend time together.
Grateful for: plenty of time.
Drop me a line.