Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The lull

I don't have much to report on the dating front since Owen and I are in our mid-week lull. How am I feeling about it? Pretty good. We had a fun weekend that included drunken hijinks, intense talking, and mellow hanging-out. We did it all. Now, I'm back at work, things are painfully slow and I'm trying not to spend too much time musing on my relationship. It is tempting, of course, but where does it get me? Nowhere. I can worry with the best of them, but what's the point? Everyone has fears--I told Pele that Owen and I seem to oscillate between euphoria and terror. The good news is that, despite the high-highs, the lows are not very low (I wouldn't call anything a "low" at this point--maybe "lull" is more accurate). Even better, lows are not accompanied by fighting. I would be worried if a month-plus in we were fighting, but stranger things have happened.

It makes me think of Tom, my grad school boyfriend, with whom I had a rocky-roller coaster type relationship--we had a lot of ups and downs and most of the downs were accompanied by anger and tears. It sucked. I don't want to do it that way. I can't do it that way. But there is no reason to think it will be that way with Owen. So far, when issues have come up, we've talked about them. We have had a few serious talks that I found mildly upsetting (or incredibly satisfying), but they have always been productive. We don't go plowing over the same ground again and again (but really, how could we? there hasn't been time!). These few talks actually feel like minor victories because we cover important stuff easily, indicating that we actually communicate rather well.

I found it encouraging when Owen said, "I can't do that passive-aggressive thing. I refuse to." I assured him that it won't be a problem. I don't think anyone has ever accused me of being passive-aggressive. Aggressive, maybe. But passive? I don't think so. It's true, I can hold on to my feelings, but that's because I know that sometimes my feelings will change and I want to make sure of them before getting into a big-deal conversation. I don't want to have any big-deal conversations with Owen right now. I want to have fun and let the serious stuff wait until we see what kind of legs this relationship has.

It's so easy to get carried away when you click this well with someone. That's what I want to say to Owen, "Let's have fun now and save the serious talks for later, when we have more time under our belts." If I can get used to the idea of having a boyfriend before deciding, for example, if I'm going home to meet his mother, that would be a good start. I'm so afraid that if I start telling people, I'll jinx it and my little house of cards will come tumbling down. There's that fear, rearing it's ugly head. At any moment, is he going to change his mind and cancel everything? Why in the world would I think that? Actually, I think I know why, and mostly it doesn't have much to do with Owen, but it has something to do with Owen. I can sense a tiny bit of ambivalence from him. But, hell, I feel the same way and I know why--it's the fear of something real. (I can't say for sure that Owen's ambivalence has the same source--though it might.) The fear of actually having to make the kinds of decisions I've assiduously avoided my entire adult dating life. Oh yes, that might cause a slight case of ambivalence, no matter how much you care about the other person. In fact, the more you care, the worse it is! But don't worry, 98% of the time, I'm having fun with Owen and not thinking about any of this stuff at all.

Damn. Are you as surprised as I am that I have a boyfriend? It seems crazy! I really do feel lucky.

Grateful for: my good luck.

Drop me a line.

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