Friday, October 06, 2006


On Wednesday, I stayed home sick and treated myself to a diet of bland foods. I ate plain toast, avocado, yogurt, applesauce, bananas and crackers (my one indulgence). I completely forgot that I was allowed rice too! By Thursday, when I made it to work, I was starving. Still, I ate only: bananas, yogurt, applesauce and toast. By 4pm I was so hungry I decided that I could allow myself some soup. I went across to the Au Bon Pain and got "tomato bisque." It seemed a mite creamy, but after eating half of my serving and a roll, I was sufficiently sated. When I got home, I cooked up some rice and had some more toast. I was hungry, but my stomach was not screaming at me.

Today, I feel almost 100%. Maybe a little weak from not moving around enough and not getting enough food. I'm a little concerned about eating "normally." I think I need to ease into it, but how? I did bring a frozen lunch today—with chicken and rice—so that's a start. Breakfast was rice and applesauce. Oh, and green tea. Besides water, green tea is the only thing I've had to drink since Wednesday.

It was funny that after only one day of the bland foods I was craving flavors. I desperately wanted some chocolate, some coffee, something spicy. Anything to liven it up. I actually poured a little maple syrup on my rice this morning and it was good. Almost like a breakfast cereal. I want some vegetables too—but what will they do to me? Sigh.

Me and my stomach problems go way back, but I honestly can't remember having this much trouble since I was a teenager. Before that, I had a stomach ache for almost my entire third grade year. I mentioned it to my boss and he said, "Didn't like your teacher?" I laughed because that was the problem—more accurately, she didn't like me. She made my life miserable and it came out in a stomach ache. I am a stomach-stress person. When I get nervous, I can't eat and my gut churns. But I rarely get a stomach "cold."

I just got back from the doctor and he thinks I probably caught Giardia in Mexico. That would explain my other symptoms: fatigue, slight fever, nausea and loss of appetite. It also means I'm not as well as I thought I was because it can last for three weeks. Yikes. He recommended that I stick with the bland food diet, which means no dairy, red meat or liquor. Double sigh.

In crazy news, I kind of lost it last night. I hate, hate, hate when I do stuff like this. I hadn't talked to Owen since Tuesday, when he'd asked me to his work thing on Friday. I'd said yes. I figured I'd hear from him on Thursday about the details. But 10pm rolled around and no call. I had a big pit of anxiety sitting in my stomach (on top of whatever else was in there) and I knew I would not sleep well if I went to bed worrying about this. I know I promised not to worry, and I really didn't want to, but it got the better of me. I'm so freakin' scared he's rejecting me! What is my problem? I called him. He asked me how I was. I said ok, getting better, but that he didn't sound so hot himself. He said he was asleep. I said, "So, were you ever going to call me?" Shrill, is how I sounded.


Then, "Yes, I was going to call you tomorrow."

"Ok, but, I need to have a plan…I just…"

"I'm sorry…I probably should have called."

"Look, you've never called me in the day before, I don't know why I should expect that."

Very. Long. Pause. I thought about how damn crazy I was.

Then I said, "Tell me how to get there. I haven't been there before."

He started to explain and in a pause I said, "Look, I'm sorry…"

He ignored me and said, "It's on the second floor. You have to go through the mall…" I stopped talking and listened. He gave very detailed directions.

I said, "Ok, so around when should I be there?"

He said, "Yeah, I wanted to see if you wanted to meet first…when do you get off work?"

And we talked about when to meet. I even managed to invite him to the party I'm planning to go to on Saturday night. He said he'd call me today to let me know if he could leave work in time to meet earlier.

I feel like damn fool. He's making plans for us, but he's not bothering to tell me about them? I was hoping to avoid a conversation about how I like to have plans and how I need a little more certainty so I can schedule the rest of my life, because it makes me seem a little freaky. But, since I'm acting a little freaky, maybe I just need to get it out there and hope for the best.

I think I was assuming that we were going to become a couple or that he was going to call it off abruptly. Today, I had a flash that it may not work out because I won't be able to tolerate his quirks and he might not find mine so charming. Oddly, it was reassuring. I haven't felt like I was in control—but I am. Or we both are. I get to decide what I want to do and when and how things go. I don't want to change him. I like him the way he is—laid back and bad about calling. But, perhaps, he'd be willing to discuss what I need to feel comfortable—and if that means I do most of the calling, I can probably live with that. Is it ok to establish an understanding about such things without crossing the "official couple" threshold? I sure hope so. Otherwise, my foolishness may get the best of me again.

Grateful for: letting go.

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