Thursday, June 22, 2006


The dilemma:

Are you single because you miss your ex-boyfriend?


Do you miss your ex-boyfriend because you are single?

This particular line of thinking would in no way be brought on by the pre-late night slightly tipsy (two drinks worth) text-messaging of an ex-boyfriend, which was followed by a much later return text from said ex, and then, most shockingly, a PHONE CALL from the ex. What followed was half an hour of phone conversation in which almost nothing of substance was said, but during which I realized that, while I haven't been up to much dating in the last six months, I have been rather busy with: frisbee, a trip to Israel, more frisbee, rowing, softball, and a trip to the West Coast. Not to mention various and sundry other social outings.

So, no more feeling sad about ex-boyfriends! Speaking of which, remember how I forgot about Tom (important EX-boyfriend from grad school who lives in Seattle) until I was actually in Seattle? I thought about whether I should call him, and the strangeness that was not calling him, for perhaps another day. And then, I forgot about him AGAIN, until speaking to the above mentioned ex-boyfriend (who was NOT Tom) and telling him the story about Tom. I guess it's strange that I haven't had that many weeks in a row in quite a while where I was completely free of his memory. Not calling Tom has had the desired effect. I'm located more in the present. Or at least the recent past.

Right. I'm not completely free of the memory of a more recent ex, even though I would like to be since nothing good (for me) can come of hanging on to those thoughts.

But I guess I've always found it hard to be completely alone in my head. I like the idea of a partner, someone who I could be close to, who would understand me, and want me, without judgment, in that way that friends and family cannot fulfill, that I could never ask them to fulfill. So, I tote around these memories like good luck charms and they keep me company as I fall asleep. It's not the first time I've discarded the Tom-totem, only to retrieve it in times of real necessity. It does surprise me that I have adopted the memories of the most recent ex as in any way comforting because, while I enjoyed our time together immensely, and I would give anything for there to have been "different circumstances," there weren't different circumstances. Circumstances were icky, his behavior (after the fact) was disturbing and the whole situation rolled me into a big sticky ball of anxiety. I got over it. I moved on with my life. I have to assume that the memories are popping up now as a substitute for an actual dating life. If actual dating ever commences again, then the memories will fade.

When I got around to asking about his life, he said he would call again, it was too late to talk more. But I assume he won't call, which would really be for the best. Because I was surprised that he called, I asked, more than once, "Why did you call?"

"You texted me—twice. The least I could do was call."

"No, the least you could do was…text back. Which you did."

"It was hard for you to text, so I thought I should call."

That's when I confessed that I'd been drinking. However, I'd been thinking about calling/texting for some time. But all that crazy alky-hol got to me. I just stopped taking the heavy-duty anti-inflammatories that precluded drinking and I jumped right back on the party bus. Well, not exactly, but it was the first time I had two drinks in one evening in more than a month.

Other than that foolishness, two early work-related days in a row are helping me get over my jet-lag in a hurry, but have also left me completely exhausted. Perhaps when I stop feeling fuzzy and off-balance I can discard my most recent ex-totem.

Grateful for: happy-sad memories.

Drop me a line.

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