Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Will they or won't they?

After a long hiatus, I present the return of the very occasional "Dear Jamy" advice feature. This week, we have a question about the non-beginning of one relationship eand the probable ending of another.

I know the answer, but I have to give it a try. I have a crush on this great guy -- he's smart, adorable, athletic, and as sweet as can be. He's one of those guys that I had an instant attraction to (and I blushed when I met him. I don't blush). Well, throughout the year we've known each other, we haven't dated at all. In fact, the only time he ever asked me out was the night we met (I skirted the issue because I had just gotten out of a relationship).

Then he went to Iraq, he came back, I was dating another guy, etc. . . . things never worked out. Now he's leaving for grad school in mid-July and I'm moving around the same time. So, in the last month, the attraction seems even stronger. By the way, when I crush after a guy, I cannot flirt at all -- it's a horrible, horrible, trait -- and he's one of those "aw shucks" shy boys. He's also a very devout Christian and I'm a stumbling Catholic. He has told me that he cannot date a girl he can't see marrying. I know I shouldn't pursue anything, but . . . I don't know.

Also, it sucks because he made me a mix CD and it is absolutely perfect. The best mix CD someone has made for me. It's the type of music I listen to, without it being songs I actually have. I guess I'm sick of talking about it to my friends, who tell me varying things, like that he is attracted to me but won't start anything he can't finish, he's a wimp, I'm a wimp, he's an idiot for not realizing how much I rock, etc. I guess the question is, Am I an idiot for mooning after this guy? And am I an idiot for listening to the CD almost obsessively? I just need to get over him.


You are never stupid for liking someone. Feelings are feelings—they are hard, nay, impossible to control. But you can control your actions.

There are a lot of reasons you two haven't gotten together. Perhaps he's not interested. Then again, he did give you the mix CD. That usually indicates interest. You haven't been available, and neither has he, so there hasn't been much opportunity for the two of you to get together. And since you are so nervous around him, he may not understand that you like him. Guys seem to do better with non-mixed signals. They need a direct approach and are easily confused (as are many women).

Instead of deciding that a relationship with this guy won't work out, why don't you ask him on a date and find out for sure? He's leaving soon anyway, so what have you got to lose? But if you enjoy the crushing, feel free to indulge yourself indefinitely. Just don't complain about it.


Dear Jamy,

How does one know when it's time to end a relationship?

My guy and I have been together for almost 3 years now and he's still not ready to commit. I do love him very much, but I'm also worried that the clock is ticking - and that I'll "waste" years with him…meanwhile my sell-buy [sic] date expires. (I think the biological clock is almost out of batteries -- so it's not the need to have children - clock ticking. I'm pretty sure that is not really an option for me in any case.)

I guess I always thought that if a guy were serious and felt that the girl was marriage material he would know that pretty soon into a relationship..

I would like to be settled, in a committed relationship - I'm well into my 30's.. and don't feel like playing the dating/waiting game forever.

Help! Please?


Dear Kat,
People don't have expiration dates or "sell-by" dates. And I certainly hope that you don't consider three years of your life spent with someone you love a waste. Do you know what you want? Marriage? Kids? This man? If your relationship remained as it is now, but you never married, would you be satisfied?

Even if you don't marry him or can't conceive biologically, it doesn't mean you can't have kids. But why are you raising this issue if you don't care about it? I'm confused.

I'm also having a hard time understanding why it is the guy who gets to deicide whether or not you are marriage material. Why don't you get to decide if you want to marry him? Why don't the two of you decide together what you want to happen in this relationship?

Then again, perhaps what you really want is out and the lack of a proposal is your excuse.

Tell me if I'm wrong.


P.S. I think that one can figure out if one's partner is "marriage material" in the first six months or so of dating. I used to think you could tell immediately if the guy was marriageable (for you); I've since revised my opinion. Now, I think the best answer to the question, "Could I marry this guy?" (upon first acquaintance) is "Maybe." If you think you've met your future husband after one meeting, you have lost your mind (I speak from experience). But I don't understand why people stay together for many years and don't get married if what they want to do is get married (unless they were 18 when they got together). My longest relationship lasted a year (plus). It ended, in part, because we weren't going to get married (we discussed it, directly and indirectly). All my other longish relationships ended when either it was clear we weren't suited or we weren't going to get married. Hey, at least I know what I want. Sort of.

Grateful for: knowing my own mind.
Drop me a line.

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