Unlike every other year of my life, I made a resolution. In general, I'm opposed to resolutions. The timing is arbitrary and nothing is likely to change, so what's the point? And, really, aren't I perfect the way I am?
The resolution is about work. Work is a real problem. I am not working very much at work these days. I'm unable to focus on the simplest tasks (filing), let alone the important things (reading reports). I'm bored and distract myself by obsessively indulging in all things blog related.
I resolved to set up a of schedule for myself at work where I give myself a set amount of time each day for blog reading and writing. I meant to start on Tuesday, but I didn't do it. I couldn't even write out a schedule. Well, I made a little chart, but I didn't fill it in. Today, I thought I would just make a list of all my tasks and cross them off as I finished each one. I didn't make the list.
It's not that I do nothing. I had to be on a conference call today. I answered emails. Yesterday, I was on the phone with a contractor giving them guidance on a report. Wednesday I sat in that idiotic but marginally useful Plain Language seminar. I'm not doing nothing, just very little.
I am developing some very bad habits. I let myself off the hook for deadlines in a way I never would have in the past. My job is not that hard. There is plenty of time to get everything done and do some blogging. But I am so not interested in work that it's easy to let something else squeeze it out of the way. It's wrong and I have to stop. Or quit. But I can't quit. I need to try to like this job again. But I'm not sure how much I liked it in the first place.
You know how sometimes a guy looks good on paper, but in real life he's just not the one for you? That's my job. It looks perfect on paper. It's exactly what I had in mind when I started graduate school. The pay is excellent and they treat me well. If not for this job, I would never have finished my dissertation. When I try, I'm even good at my job. But, in real life, I don't have any chemistry with it.
Job, it's not you, it's me.
But I'm not quite ready to break up with my job. So, while I don't enjoy it, I will try a little harder, for a little longer, to make it work.
I really do love you job, I'm just not sure if I like you anymore.
But I must work at some job. I must eat. I must pay my mortgage and student loans. This job is better for that than almost any other for which I'm qualified.
Job, I'll try a little harder, but maybe you could make more of an effort too.
Thus, the work-related resolutions are a work in progress, and have been for some time. Maybe I'll get it together eventually. My job certainly hopes so.
Jamy, I'm here for you, but I can't wait forever. Love, Job.
Grateful for: my job.