Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I get it

Do I have to remind you all, again, to please stop telling me to read "He's not that into you"? I get that Tim is not interested in a relationship with me. However, he clearly digs me and feels a lot of affection for me. I AM NOT BLINDED BY THIS.

You can be angry at Tim's behavior and think he is a jerk. You can be flabbergasted by his actions and his complete lack of self-awareness. I'm the latter. I don't know him perfectly, but I know he's not an asshole.

I've felt anger when I've been with guys who acted like assholes and treated me poorly. I was angry at Jay for completely dropping the ball. (My word for Jay is "idiot," though, not asshole.) You better believe I was angry at vip-ex (my grad school boyfriend) many times before, during and after our relationship. But I'm still not angry with Tim.

His presence at a singles' event had nothing to do with me and did not reflect on me. He wasn't doing it to me. Seeing him stirred up a lot of feelings and left me questioning a few things and I had to re-evaluate my closure. I used the blog to tell the story and to process my feelings.

You saw what I was feeling at the moment. My feelings won't stop if I tell them to. In fact, I think it's important that I feel these feelings so they won't come back to bite me later.

It's lovely that you are on my side and I'm not defending Tim's behavior. But it helped me to try and understand it. I care about him and I can't just stop caring. It would be easier if I didn't care, but life wouldn't be all that much fun if I never cared about anyone.

Who knows, I may look back and decide that Tim was an asshole, but I doubt it. I enjoyed almost all of my time with him and I'd like to keep that happy memory. I think I can have that and a new boyfriend. Why not? Stranger things have happened.

My mood is calm. I'm not feeling overwhelmed or particularly sad. I don't want to call Tim or see him. The storm has passed and I'm finding my equilibrium. The blog helped me get there and so did all of you. For that, I thank you.

Grateful for: good listeners.

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