When I was a kid, I tended to be whiny. Recently, my mother told me I wasn't a whiny kid. Maybe I just did it away from her. I've moved away from the constant complaining, but there are times when it comes out. What I want to whine about today:
- Breaking up.
- It sucks. It doesn't matter if you were the breaker-up-er or the break-up-ee, it feels bad to be on either end of the end of a relationship. Often, I breathe a sigh of relief when I break up with someone. Usually break ups are accompanied by revelations about the character of the object of one's affection that makes the person less attractive. I had such revelations in this case. He was, indeed, less attractive. But I still did not feel relief. What's wrong with me? I know I did the right thing. I've got the goddamn moral high ground. It's cold comfort, I tell you. Cold comfort.
- I had lunch with work-friend Nancy yesterday and I was so bummed out telling her about Tim that I almost cried. I don't know what it is about talking to Nancy that brings me to the edge of tears. She said, "Let's talk about Plan B. It won't be the end of the world if your life doesn't have a man in it."
"Don't think I haven't thought about it. I've been thinking about it a lot recently."
"I know you could do it. It's not easy. But you're strong. You could handle it."
"I'm sure I could handle it. I'd rather have some help, though. It's just..."
"You want Prince Charming?"
"I'd like to have sex again someday."
- My job.
- Motivation to perform even the most basic tasks of this job has diminished to a frightening extent. I feel like the laziest creature in the world. Some of this is attributable to post-break-up malaise. I think. I hope.
- Work-friend Diego came by to see me today. Diego means well but he sometimes manages to be more enemy than friend. When I mentioned that I broke up with Tim a week ago and was still sad, Diego said, "A week is enough time! How long were you together? A month? No more being sad!" Then he tried to convince me that I should leave my federal agency and go work for a different federal agency or a foundation. That this was a terrible place to be and I was wasting away here. I said, "My problem is just that I'm lazy."
"You are lazy. I'm not sure what to do about that." Gee, thanks Diego.
"Actually, there's no point looking for a different job in this field because I'd rather do something else altogether."
"That sounds like you're lazy."
I've been terribly tired since Sunday, but perhaps I'm starting to wake up. That's good.
The last (sniff) Firefly dvd is due to arrive tomorrow. Just in time for a mope-filled weekend. I get one. I don't care what Diego says.
Grateful for: work friends.