Monday, October 10, 2005

So wrong

I'm not sure what's happening to me, but I am getting a perverse thrill from arguing with DCDireWolf and Ms. (!) Anonymous in the comments on today's earlier post. It's wrong, I tell you.

I know my posture is defensive. It belies the comfort I feel regarding Tim. But, you know, too fucking bad. My current state of mind is ephemeral and I could well be back on the anxiety express tomorrow. That's life.

In the last couple of posts, I told you what happened, but I didn't interpret. I let you draw your own conclusions. I did not think that meant that some readers would think that I didn't know what the hell was going on with me and Tim.

I know what is going on! I know he's withdrawing. He told me! (That was in the post, by the way.) He needs to withdraw so he can work on his marriage/divorce issues. He is sharing some of it with me in the interests of being open and honest and building a foundation of trust for our potential relationship. He can't be completely, 100% available to me now. Is that a good thing? Yes and no.

It's good because he is taking the time he needs to do what he needs to do--he is putting his emotional health first. That's good because I want to be with someone who knows how to take care of himself. I'm here to help him if I can, but it's not the kind of thing a new girlfriend (for lack of a better word) can help with. He needs to do this himself.

It's bad because there a risk that he is not sufficiently emotionally available to be in a relationship (of any kind). There is a huge risk. That is why I'm not calling him and not pressuring him. That is why it may be a good thing that I'm going out of town.

The current state of affairs is a shift from when I first met Tim. Three weeks ago, he was a pursuer. He knew what he wanted from me. Now, he's not as sure. He wants me to be there for him when he's ready. But is he ready? He doesn't know. I don't know. When will he be ready? It could be tonight. It could be in six months.

That's where how I feel comes in. If I can be satisfied with what he has to offer, then I will stick around. If he is stringing me along, keeping me at arms length, not engaging with me, then I know I have the option to leave. But I'm not giving up yet. We still have a good thing. I want to see if it will continue. If it starts to make me more unhappy than happy, then I will reassess.

I am not looking for advice. I'm not confused. I think the comments have many purposes, but one of them is not for people to tell me how to live my life. I'm tempted to turn the comments off, but I'm not going to do that. I haven't censored anyone and I won't. I will reconsider my policy of responding to comments, though. I've let that get a bit out of hand.

Grateful for: a sense of humor.

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