Friday, October 28, 2005

Should I?

Before I fall asleep, I write him letters in my head. None of these letters ask him to come back to me. I want that, of course, but it's not what I write.

I want to tell him to choose happiness.

I want to tell him to stop feeling terrible for me and start feeling terrible for himself. His situation fills me with sorrow. It's depressing and impossible. Doesn't he think he deserves better? Deserves to be treated well? Deserves to have a happy life?

I don't feel bad for myself. I know I'm well out of it. I'm sad. I miss him already. But there was nothing I could do. I don't feel rejected. Not at all. I feel wanted. But I couldn't live like that--I'm too impatient. I could not stand waiting for the other shoe to drop. I couldn't be in a relationship where I never knew if it was ok to expect anything.

I want to tell him:
The hard choice is usually the right choice.
There are worse things than being alone.
You deserve to be happy.
You've tried long enough and it's ok to let go.
No one will think less of you.
They will admire you for making a hard, painful choice.
It will be ok.

Yesterday I became convinced that he will reconcile with his wife and spend the rest of his life in that unhappy marriage.

That's when I knew I was going to have to move on even though I don't want to.

Grateful for: really knowing.

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