Saturday, October 08, 2005

It ain't over 'til it's over

On Thursday, I was chipper and calm and in a great mood. Thursday evening, when I got home, I gave Tim a call a little after 11:00pm to say goodnight. He didn't answer so I left a short message, ending with, "see you tomorrow."

Friday was a busy day at work, but as it wore on, my anxiety grew as I waited to hear from Tim. I knew that he was probably asleep when I called. I knew that he assumed we had plans and would probably call me when he got off work. So I waited. I didn't want to be unhappy. I wanted to be happy. I reminded myself of all the good things about Tim. I replayed some of our last conversation. I thought, "What would happen if he never called?" I realized that there was no way he wouldn't call. Still, I was uneasy.

I went to Herndon for a meeting in the afternoon and got off the metro near home around 5:30. I still hadn't heard from Tim and I was very uneasy. When I got home, I had a drink.

By 6:30, I was starting to lose it. I called him. No answer. I sent a text. No response.

I waited half an hour and I called again. No answer.

I was distraught. Beside myself. Miserable.

It didn't make any sense. Tim has always called when he said he would. Even if he were going to break up with me, I know he would call. Yet, I didn't know what to make of his silence and I didn't know what to do with myself.

I had another drink. I smoked a cigarette.

He called. He apologized. He'd been having a fight with his wife and he couldn't take my call. He said he would be over in 20 minutes. I said I was upset but we could talk about it when he got here.

I put a cool washcloth on my eyes and listened to some music.

When he arrived, I wasn't angry. Just sad.

We sat on the couch. He apologized again and said he'd meant to call at 5:30, when he thought I would be done with work, but instead he was fighting with his wife. She wants him back.

He'd planned to make me dinner. He had it all thought out. He said, "You can say it was wrong. It was wrong not to call."

He said, "Are you going to dump me? You said you were upset and wanted to talk to me when I got here..."

"I'm not going to dump you. Are you kidding? I thought you were going to dump me. We have a cheerful view of things, don't we?"

I asked him what he was going to do. He said, "I'm here, aren't I?"

I get it now. Why I've been anxious all week. It's not just that I'm afraid he's going to break up with me. I'm afraid he's going back to his wife. And, if that's what he needs to do, I wouldn't be angry. But it's there, always, looming. That's the feeling of doom. Me and my crazy high standards, dating a married man. That, combined with how much I like him, is enough to make me anxious.

We held each other. He said, "Let's go see a stupid movie at Union Station."

"Do you want to?"

"Do you?"

"I guess not really. I have a movie here. We can watch that and make something to eat."

And that's what we did. Despite the terrible beginning, it turned out to be one of our best dates so far. We laughed, joked, kissed, cooked, watched some of the movie and talked about whatever we wanted to.

I know we're still on dangerous ground and I don't know what's going to happen, but it's so much fun being together that I hope it lasts quite a bit longer.

Grateful for: feelings.

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