Sunday, August 07, 2005

Number 7

I packed the weekend full of activities to get my mind off of Jay. Did it work? Sort of. When I was actively engaged in something, I wasn't thinking about him. When I was walking somewhere or driving somewhere, my mind would stray in that direction.

Friday was swing dancing with CK. The male half of the pair who teach the lessons asked me to dance early on; probably because he hadn't seen me for a while. He's a bit of a letch (but such a good dancer, I tolerate it). He told me (with CK standing by) that I should buy a push up bra and unfasten a few more buttons on my shirt and then more guys would ask me to dance. Oh, I wish I were kidding.

I went to a party on Saturday night and I hated it. Full of gay men and 25 year old women. Maybe not all of the men were gay, but it was hard to tell with all the stripedy shirts. What's up with this striped shirt craze? I lasted a little over an hour at the party and only had real conversations with four people (two sets of guy friends). In an attempt to salvage the evening, I dropped by a cool neighborhood bar on the way home. Another bust, but much better people watching. It's rare that I would go out like that and not get a single hit or flicker of interest. Usually I would blame my looks or my outfit, but I was not the least attractive woman around in either place. I don't know what was going on. I think it doesn't work to do this stuff solo, which sucks because I don't have enough going out companions. Or maybe it was me and that unfriendly scowl on my face.

Sunday was softball and another wondrous loss. The softball guy (cute one with girlfriend) was there and being his usual friendly self. So annoying about the girlfriend. I got the small of the back encouragement pat from him. He is a nice guy. What can you do?

I was busy, but Jay was still on my mind. I'm getting all kinds of semi-conflicting advice about what do because of so many differing interpretations of Jay. Don't we all love a mystery? (No!) Here are the opinions and what I think they mean.

Opinion 1: He has a big crush on me. He likes me. Possibly, he's not sure I like him. Back off and let him show me how he feels.

What it means: You are buying my version of events and feeding off of my enthusiasm.

Opinion 2: He's not sure he likes me. He's too much bother. If I wait for him, then I'm letting him set the agenda. It's not right that he gets to control everything. I'm too impatient to let him come to me. I'll rush things and wreck "it." His behavior is already out of line.

What it means: You are worried about me and don't want me to get hurt. You think I've invested too much in it already. You have trust questions about relationships in general and this situation in particular.

Opinion 3: He's a player and is toying with me. He won't call. (Does the email he sent put the lie to this?)

What it means: You are a player (one person with this view is definitely a player). You might also be jealous.

Opinion 4: Be aggressive and he's yours. Take control and set the terms. Go to his office, kiss him and leave. A few days later, tell him when you will see him.

What it means: You think all men cave to sexual aggression. Also, you don't know me very well. [Note: I have seduced a guy before, but it was vip-ex, he was a sure thing, so I don't think it counts.]

I've tried to figure out how to think about it. I go back and forth. My mood goes up and down. How do I not think about it? How do I not hope? That's the trick. No expectations. Believe that he should recognize how great I am (feel vain just writing that).

[Note: while it's great to hear how wonderful you think I am, I'm not fishing for compliments. The problem is that when I start with a guy, I stop seeing how great I am and start worrying about how the guy feels about me. Then I wonder why anyone would possibly like me. Hmm...maybe I am fishing--bring on the self-esteem enhancing compliments!]

With Jay, I've been right and wrong about everything. I thought things would easily fall into place. Then I thought he didn't like me. Then we spent the night together. And things still haven't fallen easily into place. Maybe it's too hard.

If I see him this week, it will have been a two-week wait. He is the slowest boy in the history of the world. It's hard to believe that he likes me when things move this slowly. But, I've been wrong before. I think it's not on, and it's on. I think it's on...and it's ambiguous. Sigh.

The only thing to be done is to try and date other people. Not focus only on Jay. To that end, I signed up for JDate again. Stupid, horrible JDate. Oh, how I've missed you. Signed up on Saturday and I have four contacts already. It is my best online venue by far. I am sure I will hate all the guys I meet this way, which is very wrong. But, maybe I won't hate them all and I'll get some goddamn perspective.

As sick as I am of writing about Jay and thinking about Jay, I can't brush it off. I can't convince myself it won't happen. This is dangerous ground.

Grateful for: perspective (when I have it).

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