Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I feel good

I feel good. Surprisingly good.

Work is ridiculous. It's after 2:00 pm and I haven't done a damn thing. I let my work pile up so I can it all done in one big spurt.

But that's nothing new. It's how I work. I always do a good job, get everything done and it won't even be late.

Jay hasn't called. Sure, I care. I want to see him again. And, you know what? I bet he will call, but not this week. And if I can't accept that, then I need to get out and be done with him. Most of my brain is in the "he's never going to call and therefore it will never happen" mode. In that spirit, I have lot of plans--Wednesday (kickball), Thursday (drinks with long-lost friend), Friday (swing dancing).

There is another part of my brain that thinks he will call eventually--maybe next week. This is because I know he's busy and won't have time to get together this week. And he's out of town this weekend. When he has time, he'll call.

I have to detach from it--I can't do any more waiting. I think I've officially talked to everyone in the world about this boy, except my mother. Today, I talked to my good work friend, Nancy.

Nancy is the voice of reason. After I talked to her, I felt much better. She did not advise a strict adherence to "he's not that into you" (I will kill the next person who tells me to read it). She reminded me that he's shy and my sources (CC, the sister-in-law) told me that he doesn't do things in a reasonable amount of time. Nancy said I needed to let him go at his own pace and show me what he wants. "If he really likes you, he may not be in a rush. He'll figure you'll be around."

Looking at all the evidence, there is no reason to think he doesn't like me, except for the not calling. The not calling leads to waiting, and the waiting leads to craziness. Why, she asked, does it make you crazy? Good question and hard to answer. The short answer: lack of control, uncertainty. Nancy counseled patience. "You need to learn patience…it's a life skill you need." Amen to that.

She didn't see the initial lack of a call as all that telling. "I don't think it means he doesn't like you. It sounds like he was scared. He had a lot to drink and you got close. He's shy and probably looked back and wasn't sure how he felt about everything." Right. He's scared. It's a lot to take in. I'm waaay ahead of him. So give him a chance to get there. If he wants to. Don't be such an agenda setter. I don't expect him to know what he wants. I know what I want--but, really, I only think I know. I still need to get to know him better.

I told her the only way I can do this is to assume he's not going to call and move on. She nodded. I have to say, when I talk about Jay, it's hard to imagine he's completely gone from my life. I could see that Nancy agreed. But telling myself to expect nothing from him is the only way to survive. It's a legitimate approach. I can't sit happily in the "I know he likes me and will come around" place. But I can be in the "I really like him, but I accept it won't work out, so I expect nothing" place. It's not the worst place to be. It's where I was when I saw him last Tuesday and it helped get us together.

After our talk I felt lighter, happier and more cheerful than I have for days. Things just aren't that bad. My happiness is not contingent on this one thing. I've got to stop rushing and pushing. Let him come along at his own pace. And if he's so slow that I meet someone else, that's his loss. He'll have missed his window. And won't that be sad?

Grateful for: peace of mind.

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