Friday, July 29, 2005

Stop it right now

I wish I knew how to stop feeling sad. I feel sad because nothing has happened, which is about as dumb as it gets. I feel sad because my super-ultra-impossible crush, who happens to like me too, hasn't called. I didn't even realize I was expecting him to call yesterday, but when I turned off the cell phone at 12:30 last night so I wouldn't wait for it to ring anymore, I knew I was in trouble. I knew that being on the edge of tears all morning was not a good sign. I knew that it would be damn hard to cheer myself up. I knew it would be next to impossible to get any work done today, but work must get done.

I tried talking to myself, "Look at the evidence. There is no reason to think that he doesn't like you. Why wouldn't he call? Because he doesn't like me. But he does like you. So he will call. Eventually. Remember what Pele said, He's Useless. That means he has no sense and won't always handle things quite right. There is no mystery here. He's tired or busy or assumes we already have plans. What's a big confusion to you is a no-brainer to him. So stop worrying. There's nothing to be done. But I could call him. No, don't call him. Calling him is fine, but it's all wrong here. You have to trust him. He said he would call. He said "I'll call you" about half a dozen times. You never asked him to call, he said it all on his own. But couldn't he just call me now so I don't have to lose my mind over this foolishness? He could, but he won't, so get over yourself. But if he doesn't call, does it mean he doesn't like me? If he doesn't call, it really doesn't matter why. So, why am I so sad? Why doesn't the phone ring? Have I scared him off? How? What did I do wrong?"

At least I'm not having this conversation out loud.

The facts are: we spent a long evening together and had a great time. He said he liked me. He was worried that I didn't like him (silly, silly boy). He invited me to his sister's wedding and he wasn't joking.

My boundless capacity to get worked up over such things as not receiving phones calls or whether to make phones calls has kicked in. I'd get this crazy no matter who the guy was, no matter how much or how little I liked him. Getting crazy on the upswing is part of my charm; getting crazy on the downswing is my curse. But the two go together. Being enthusiastic and hopeful is often met by cold showers of disappointment. What a crap metaphor. Even my writing is on a downswing.

I will get through this day and tomorrow will be better, phone call or no phone call. I will work, I will listen to music and I will get a beer tonight. Anyone care to join me for a sorrow drowning happy hour? I get off at 6:00.

Grateful for: not talking to myself OUT LOUD.

PS I just got this lovely advice from Lola (one of my absolute favorite bloggers): I think you should believe that you are the super-ultra-impossible crush and start thinking about if you will even have time to speak to him when he does call.

I like that. I mean, I know that when he calls, I'll be completely available to see him whenever he wants (not that I'll break any commitments), but you know, maybe he's just scared to call because his feelings are so strong. Sure, that's it.

Now, back to work.

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