Thursday, July 28, 2005

Not me

It would be normal for me to obsess in this situation. Should I call him? Should I wait for him to call? Will he still like me if I call? How long should I wait to call? Does he really like me? However, I don't have his number, so about half of these questions are off the table. I have to wait for him to call. Either he'll call me or he won't. I know, I know, he'll call me. Sure he will. But, until he does, none of it seems quite real. Thus, the obsessing is more a faint background noise than a loud distraction.

(It would be easy for me to track down his number. I know his last name, the name of his company and where he lives. But I'm not going to track it down.)

I've had little conversational snippets popping into my head today. Like our conversation about shaving. We were sitting on the sofa and I was leaning against him and coming into contact with his several-days growth of beard. He said, "I wish I had shaved. It can't be very comfortable for you."

"Oh, it's not so bad. I wish I had shaved too." I rubbed my shin. Then he rubbed it. I was wearing a skirt and no tights.

"You mean you would have shaved if you knew you were going to hang out with me?"

"Sure, but I had no idea this was going to happen. I don't usually shave every day. Weren't you just saying you would have shaved if you knew I was coming over?"

"Yes. And because it's itchy." He rubs his face. We both laugh.

He also noticed when I put on some little pink socks (anklets). "Are you wearing pink sockies?"


"Why do you have them?" He seemed to think that extra socks implied some kind of forethought. Like, I'm seeing Jay tonight and maybe I'll end up spending the night at his house. Better not forget to pack extra socks!

"I always carry socks in case I get blisters. If I'd known I was sleeping over, I'd have a change of clothes and a toothbrush."

"They're cute. Protip, did you see these sockies?" He asked me to hold up my foot so his friend could see. "Aren't they cute?"

"Sure. Very cute."

He noticed girly things that I never used to do. He said, "That lipstick you have on tastes good." (It wasn't lipstick, but this fruity sticky lip gloss.) I've never had a guy tell me that before. Because I never was wearing lip gloss when I kissed a guy before.

I'm starting to see the point of those girly things that I've always thought were a stupid waste of time. They are wonderfully mysterious to boys. They represent the foreign world of women. They are enticing. I can't believe I'm just getting this now. There are girl things I'll never do, like paint my toenails (too lazy) or wax my bikini area (ouch), but I can do the cute pink clothing and lip gloss.

Wednesday morning around 10am, we had this (previously mentioned) conversation. I said, "So, do you want to get together again?"

"Sure. When?"

"I don't know. I don't know when you're free."

"Well, tonight I have a concert. Tomorrow I'm sleeping. Friday I'm going to [do something very time consuming that I wouldn't expect to be invited to]. This weekend is more sleeping. What about Wednesday?"

"Next Wednesday?"


"I have kickball."

"Cancel it!" I give him a look. "Ok. Tuesday? But no trivia."

"Tuesday? Ok." I sounded doubtful.

"I'll call you."


"Did we talk about going canoeing?"

"Yes, you said you wanted to go on Saturday."

"Oh. Maybe we'll do that. I'll call you."


The conversation about canoeing happened much earlier, around 4am. Something he said made me think about the weekend and I remembered that I'd agreed to go to this Jewish singles party I'd been invited to by the woman who'd also invited me to a potluck via JDate. Then I thought, I don't need to go to the horrible singles party! And I laughed. Jay asked me why I laughed. I didn't want to tell him, because that would be getting ahead of myself. He said, "Tell me."


"C'mon, tell me what you were thinking."

"I don't want to. It's not important. It's nothing."

"Tell me."

"Fine. I'm supposed to go to this horrible Jewish singles party on Saturday with a friend. And I just remembered and I don't want to go."

"We should go canoeing on Saturday."

"I want to go canoeing. But I have to pick my friends up at the airport at 3:30."

"It stays dark late. We can still go."

"Ok. I'd like to."

Then we tried to go to sleep.

In the sober light of morning I said, "Dude, you totally invited me to your sister's wedding!"

"So? You're still invited."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"I don't think so. No. Why would I do that?"

"I don't know. But you told me you already had a date!"

"She's a friend of my sister's. She's only 24, she won't mind. It's not a date-date."

"Maybe I'll mind."

"You can never have too many dates."

"That's good for you, but maybe not for the dates."

"But you can still come. It's fine."

"It's in California. I do need to go home [Seattle] for a visit. I might go in September."

"Then you can come. It's not that far."


There are many things that might happen but nothing is certain. We don't actually have plans. He needs to call me.

I am terrified he'll find the blog. I even considered taking down all the posts that mention him. I'm not going to do it. I don't know why I'm scared.

I'm stopping, right now, I promise. Nothing to see here folks. Move along, please.

Grateful for: not obsessing (too much).

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