Sunday, June 12, 2005

Back to reality--sort of

I admit it. I got a little ahead of myself. The antidote for that, the way to bring the rain cloud over my head, is to talk to my mom.

I have not told my mom about any of the guys I've dated recently. None of them. Not the Republican (I mentioned him in passing, but gave her no details). Not, Jake, not any of the JDate© guys. Certainly not Fred. I haven't told her about passing flirtations, not about the softball guy, or guys from happy hours: zero, nada, none.

I used to tell my mom everything. When I was kid, she was my best friend. Until quite recently, I would still confide my romantic woes in her. But in recent years, I find it to be depressing to tell her anything about my love life. She always manages to find the negative. She never takes my side. She tells me what I'm doing wrong, advises me to expect nothing good from the guys and assures me nothing will work out. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but that's sure how it feels.

In order not to crush myself and to not get her hopes up, I've instituted a "don't tell" policy. If she were to ask, I might tell, but I guess she's instituted her "don't ask" policy so we've remained silent on the topic of my love life for many months. (A couple of weeks ago, I was telling her a story about a friend's love life and I said his problem was that he was too emotionally reserved and she asked, "Is that why you're not in relationship?" I said no, that wasn't my problem. Then I changed the subject. Treacherous ground, I tell you.)

Last night, I broke my rule and I asked her advice on the Jay thing. The question was, should I wait for CC to email or I could I go ahead and contact her on Monday? And you know what? She was a little negative, but she also talked some sense. I told her how I'd met Jay and I raved a little about how great his brother and sister-in-law were and how much I liked the whole group. (I left out the "my future husband" part--I haven't completely lost my mind.)

Mom thought I should wait to email. "If you're not worried about it, just wait. You'll hear from CC. She's working this out for him." Probably true. I asked why it was a bad idea to contact her. "You'll look overeager." I agree with that too, but I don't think it's a big deal. They would probably still like me. Mom also said she wasn't sure what she would do at my age, "I'm not sure how much patience I'd have."

I told her that Nick reminded me of "Bob," the son of an old family friend. Mom and Bob's dad always wanted to set me up with Bob. I mentioned this to Mom so she'll understand why I liked them all so much. She said, "Sometimes that happens with people you've just met, you seem to know them already..."

I chime in, "It's like there was chemistry."

"No, it's not that. It's not that you love them and want to marry them. It's that you were raised the same way, so they seem familiar. You recognize them because you have the same background. "

I'm thinking, what is she psychic? How does she know that I've already gone down this love and marriage track in my wacky out of synch head?

Then she said, "He may not get in touch. He may be embarrassed. He was drunk."

"Why would he be embarrassed? He wasn't that drunk."

"Well, you don't know."

"I know. I was there. He wasn't that drunk. What, do you already not like him?"

"I like him! I want him for myself!"

"You can't have him. He's too young for you anyway."

So, before she started raining on my parade, she made a good point. The sense of familiarity may have fueled my marriage ideas about Jay. I'm not saying I don't like him. I like him. I want to see him again and I'm still not feeling anxious or worried. Actually, I'm feeling calmer than before. It helps to understand where that feeling was (probably) coming from. And, I won't feel so much the fool if it's a no-go.

I guess I am glad I talked to my mom. I have no plans to tell her anything else about Jay until I absolutely have to--she remains shockingly negative. I suppose she is trying to help me by preparing me for disappointment, but I would rather have encouragement and support, not worst-case scenarios. Still, Mom is the only one who spotted the familiarity thing--or at least was able to express it to me so clearly. She is very sharp. Luckily, I've got a lot of other good eyes and ears to help me out. I'll be depending on all of you because it will be a long while before I revisit the topic of my romantic life with Mom.

Grateful for: Mom.

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